Feels Like Home Diary
by TheMatador
Summary: Diary written by Harry during his time in the past in my story Feels Like Home
1. June 932AD

Disclaimer - Not mine all JKR's and so on and so forth

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June 4th 932AD

How weird is that! The year number only has 3 digits! This is all a bit too bizarre to take in at the moment. I've gone back in time to train to fight Voldemort. I arranged it myself, or a future version of me did because Dumbledore's a bumbling fuckwit.

No that's not really fair I know he tried to do what he thought best but he frankly just doesn't have a clue about life for normal people anymore. Not that my life has ever been normal, but it could have been more so without his constant interference. Think it's a good thing it's so long until I see him again. Gives me time to come to terms with some of the things he's done.

But ranting about Dumbledore isn't why I started this journal. Frankly I've no idea why Ginny wanted me to start it, the other two books everyone has me starting I can understand, the personal Grimmoire of all the spells and other magic I've mastered, and another of all the magic I'd like to learn. The last one is a really good idea. I remember reading the defence books last year looking for a spell finding a different spell that looked cool but then completely forgetting about it. This one though, what was it she said? _'At the very least Hermione will be interested in what life was like over a thousand years ago.'_

Hermione. I miss her and Ron already. It's sweet that Ron didn't want to be without her but it doesn't stop the fact that I've effectively lost my first ever friends from hurting. Then there's the thing about Ginny. I really don't know how to deal with that. The more I think about it the more I can understand why I fell for her. I can even feel myself falling for my memory of her which is going to fuck me up in all kinds of ways. It's weird even writing swear words without Hermione scolding me about my language. Maybe I should start trying to channel an 'Inner Hermione' as some sort of moral compass. Though if I did that I wouldn't be here.

Trying to do this journal thing properly and writing down thoughts and fears for the day I'm really scared about the next few days. Apparently Leola, Hector and Gerhalt are going to test me. Even Helga's going to be involved in the testing, apparently there's fields of magic she's exceptional in. She's not even fifteen! I know I should expect a future founder to be a prodigy but I can't help but feel inadequate. I'm really not ready for this. It's going to be embarrassing.

June 5th 932AD

Well I was right. Hector and Gerhalt tested me today. They just made me feel physically inadequate. Apparently squibs are often sent to learn another skilled trade as soon as its discovered they don't have magic which is why Gerhalt's a smith. Hector started out as a carpenter but enjoyed the time in the woods more than the time shaping the wood itself, not that he wasn't good at it. So he ended up as a kind of woodsman. Hunting wild game, and foraging for plants and stuff. They're both exceptional physically active, pretty much everyone here is.

The lifestyle is all about everyone chipping in and struggling against adversity. I like it but can't help but feel physically inadequate. They chucked me a sword. I could barely lift it. Gryffindor's must be charmed lighter. Then Hector tried to get me to do some drills with it and then with a bow. I'm pretty sure I didn't impress him.

After that I was with Gerhalt who showed me around his forge. It was incredible, he showed me the different moulds and hammers and techniques for heating and purifying or mixing different metals. I was surprised just how interesting I found it and I think he was pleased with that, but the idea of doing something that's physical but practical is a new one to me. Of course when he had me practice with the hammers he wasn't too impressed with my strength, or lack of it, but even so I hope to spend more time there.

The final bit of the day was back with Hector and was in introduction to basic woodcraft. Here I think I actually kind of impressed. I know Hector was pleased with the stealth and speed I showed moving through the woods, 'Harry hunting' was apparently good for something, and of all the weapons I messed around with today Hector's hatchet felt the most comfortable perhaps that's the weapon for me rather than the sword.

The weirdest bit of the day though was afterwards when we were eating this evening Leola asked how my day was, and seemed genuinely interested in my answers. Then she did the same with Helga, like some kind of parent child daily ritual. It was a pleasant feeling to be included like that.

I'm definitely concerned about tomorrow now though. I'm with Leola and Helga who will find out how much magic I know. Apparently Leola is an Enchantress so is gifted with Runes and Charms whereas Helga takes after her late father and is a Potions prodigy.

Sweet Merlin it's even worse! As I'm writing this all four of the others are sat in the corner talking quietly and giving me odd glances. This does not bode at all well for tomorrow.

June 6th 932AD

Well today was just weird. I woke up fully expecting the day to be magically exhausting, instead as soon as breakfast is over Leola takes me into another room and tells me she's doing a thorough medical check because something's that Gerhalt and Hector said just don't seem right for a fifteen year old.

Even Madam Pomfrey never poked and prodded me so much and I was subject to spell after spell. At one point she called in Helga with a potion which turned out to make my skeleton glow. Apparently the origin of the X ray, I'll have to find out what that potion is and write it in the potential magic book it looked cool. As all this was going on she started getting angrier and angrier and muttering things to herself. When she finally finished she had been testing me for about seven hours and her anger had given way to what seemed to be cold fury.

After she was finished I found out why, apparently, the tests showed up every single injury I ever had. The moment she said that, I hung my head, ashamed by the level of physical abuse I had suffered through. But I was pulled out of my embarrassment by her arm round my shoulder and as she held me. It was like a hug from Mrs Weasley but it was tinged with more understanding, I had never told anyone about the Dursleys. People knew it was bad of course but not how bad. Apparently, according to Ginny I later told her some of it but here it was all laid out for Leola to see.

The hug lasted minutes as I wept silently, I'm not sure how I feel about Leola knowing the extent of what I've been through but she promised not to say anything. What she did say shocked me though. Apparently while my innate magic kept me alive through the beatings and malnourishment, it didn't fix things properly and the repeated breakages of bones and blood vessels as well as muscle tears and deep bruising and lack of nutrients means that almost every single bit of muscle and bone within my body is smaller and weaker than it should be. All except the bone in my right arm, apparently that's just smaller than it should be but exceptionally strong in comparison to everything else. She scowled as I told her about Lockhart and was intrigued by the prospect of Skele-gro saying it was a possible route to fixing my bones at least but she needed to see a more knowledgeable healer about that and potential fixes for the softer tissue and malnourishment issue. That won't be for a few days though so tomorrow is magical training.

June 7th 932AD

Okay today was horrendous. Anyone who ever says Hufflepuffs are just kind friendly unassuming no marks clearly hasn't met the real deal. There is a reason Hufflepuffs are renowned for hard work, they're bloody sadists. Everyone says Hermione's a Ravenclaw in Gryffindor, I'm beginning to think she is the perfect Hufflepuff, exceptionally loyal with a work ethic that is frankly rather terrifying, and I'm now living with four of them.

Leola had asked me to make a list of all the Charms I mastered as a start to my Grimmoire. She was astounded by the number and there was even some she didn't know. I was ecstatic. Until she asked me to demonstrate them all.

The moment I said '_Lumos_' I knew something was wrong. Apparently you can't claim to have mastered a spell until you can do it silently. Meaning the list I spent hours putting together is worthless and I'm a Charms beginner. Silent magic though. It would be really cool, the fight in the Department all the adults were silent casting, now I just feel embarrassed by my performance. Leola's assessment got even worse, apparently I must be rather powerful to be able to botch the wand movements so significantly and still cast the spells I want.

Things got a bit weird though when I asked about jinxes, hexes and curses. Apparently witches were never taught such things as it was assumed they would have no need to know since a wizard would be around to protect them. At that point I went on a rant about women's rights that may well have made Hermione have some rather impure thoughts about me, I know Leola did, she told me so, apparently its lucky I'm half her age and physically underdeveloped as otherwise she may have struggled to hold back. Given that she's currently acting as a surrogate mother that is rather disturbing I'm still a bit unsure about the look Helga got in her eye when Leola told her.

The upshot of the rant being that there were certain magic common in my time that weren't taught here, like Defence or Combat magic being taught to women, and apparently Transfiguration is a closely guarded secret. As a result as they teach me whatever magic it's deemed I need to know, I'm going to be teaching Leola and Helga Combat magic and Transfiguration.

How the hell am I supposed to teach Transfiguration. I'm better at Charms and apparently I'm terrible at that, Leola spent hours working on my wand movement having me cast each spell repeatedly until she was happy. She wasn't happy often.

June 8th

Okay the Hufflepuff family are apparently having difficulties deciding who to hate more, the Dursley's, Dumbledore or Snape. I gave Helga an overview of Potions lessons in general and Snapes attitude towards me in particular. Her outrage was rather funny.

When I then told her that even the Potions exam involved following a set of written instructions she went off on another rant about the stupidity of someone forming a school only to teach people to mindlessly follow instructions. A stifled a chuckle at that, I hadn't explained the reason I was with them when I could be anywhere was due to Helga being famous. While changing some of the future was inevitable that seemed to be a classic case of something that needed to be held back in case it had a serious effect on the timeline.

It wasn't only Snape she directed her anger towards though, when she started me off on the Boil-curing potion that she heard was the first potion I ever tried, I didn't clean my cauldron first. I then made the mistake of saying I had never been told to. The disdain in her eyes as she looked at me is still sending shivers down my spine. It only got worse when she started asking about ingredient preparation. It seemed my answers weren't satisfactory and while Snape had some of the blame it was clear that Helga felt I needed to take a significant proportion of the blame. The look on her face caused me to remember Hermione's statement that most wizard's don't have an ounce of logic. Apparently I'm a normal wizard.

Fortunately Helga was pleased, and a bit surprised, at my skills in Herbology and Magical Creature knowledge, thinking, not without reason, that to be good in either subject, some of the knowledge should be transferred over from Potions. It seemed Sprout and Hagrid met with approval even if I hadn't thought hard enough about their lessons.

June 9th

Okay today I've had to spend working out everything I wanted from the past. Things I wanted to learn, weapons and artefacts to get that sort of thing and then between the five of us we were going to sit down and hammer out a schedule for my training. Which will start sometime after I've seen this healer tomorrow. I struggled decide what to learn to be honest. Obviously I need to learn defence but I don't think the Potter's are especially renowned for their curses and hexes. The library really doesn't seem to have much. Suppose I'll have to take what I can get, as well as perfect the ones I already know.

It seems the Potter library is stocked much more heavily in regard to Charms and Runes as well as Transfiguration. Leola thinks it means that historically the Potter's really were called that because they made earthenware pots and plates and the like. It also suggests that they may well have been enchanters. Quite why Dumbledore saw fit to keep the information from me I don't know but it's added to the list of things for me to ask him.

In terms of magic to learn I decided I want to know enough to pass NEWTs at least in all my subjects, including Runes since it's my family speciality and Leola's favourite subject, not Divination though, I think it's clear I don't have the gift. In terms of interesting new magic I had planned on the Animagus process and Occlumency but it seems the animagus transformation makes occlumency obsolete as it appears merging with an animal causes your thought pattern to deviate from human to something else making it impossible for an occlumens to read. Seems a much more pleasant way of protecting your mind than having Snape dig about in there.

In terms of other interesting and unusual magic all I could think of was the Potter speciality books, which detail various spells for working with stone, from gouging huge great rocks to carving delicate features on a statue. I think spending a good portion of my time getting in touch with my family history with stonework is a must.

I told everyone this and that the only artefacts I really thought about wanting were a pensieve, magical armour and magical weaponry.

The schedule they then came up with is brutal. Luckily it doesn't start tomorrow but I'm only putting off the inevitable. Fifteen hours of practice or training a day, minimum. Three hours in the forge with Gerhalt in the morning, followed by two hours Potter work/masonry. Only after that is it lunch, followed by two hours woodcraft/hunting and tracking with Hector before he splits some weapons training with Gerhalt for two hours. Neither of them hold out much hope for the sword or bow so apparently I'll be practicing the staff and hatchets first. Then I'm going to be learning Charms and Runes and Potions for an hour each. Then Dinner followed by me teaching Transfiguration and Defence for an hour each before around ten I get time to practice the animagus transformation and do any reading or practice I need for the day after, and this will continue until the 'teachers' begin to feel I'm competent.

They're all bloody sadists!

At least I'm allowed to leave it a few weeks before I begin to do my teaching portion to get myself up to speed with Transfiguration, if my wand work is off on Charms I can only imagine it's the same for McGonagall's class. But I still can't help but feel worried about what I've let myself in for.

June 10th

I don't know whether to be distraught or ecstatic. I saw the healer today and she has a plan. Apparently the Skele-gro idea is a good one which means my bones are going to be systematically removed and re-grown. Wonderful! They can do a few at a time which means that it will take two to three weeks. My spine is tricky but she 'thinks' that just one vertebrae at a time and while in a powerful body bind under a sleeping draught I should be okay. The only bit they won't touch is my skull. To be honest I wouldn't mind if they put me to sleep for the whole way through it but apparently they need me to wake regularly in order to see if anything's wrong. According to Leola, being awake means I can practice magic as well. Aren't I the lucky one.

Once my skeleton's strengthened they can start on repairing damage to muscles and soft tissue. There are potions and charms for that apparently but the effects of those are well known and I'll be asleep through it all. Another three weeks. At that point I'll still be underdeveloped but everything will work as it should. From then I'll be waiting a year until the next summer solstice for a cleansing ritual to remove the negative influences on my body. The potion I need needs to be started this summer solstice and will keep Helga pretty busy at times for the full year. After the ritual I should be the height I was supposed to be and it might even have an effect on my scar! When I asked why do all the Skele-Gro and soft tissue stuff now if there is a ritual that will sort them out I'm going to undergo. Her response was rather worrying. Apparently the more negative influences present, the greater the pain. Too much pain and you might die.

I guess I'm rather lucky then that one of my mum's old books has the Skele-gro recipe. Apparently it will take Helga a week to make and since I can't really do physical stuff my fifteen hours of work is to be spent evenly divided between Charms and Runes training with Leola and getting myself up to speed with Defence and Transfiguration. I'm going to be exhausted.

June 16th

Oh my god I'm knackered. I can't believe this week. I'm being given tomorrow off. Apparently Sunday's are my own time to do with what I wish. I think I'll look through the Potter books.

But this week! Okay Flitwick is a wonderful teacher so I think the real problem is I'm not a wonderful student, but working with Leola was something else. Personal Charms tuition was great. She herself says it didn't come too easily to her and the master she studied with was more gifted but I think I learnt more about magic that first day than in any single day of my life. Somewhat embarrassingly though the most important part of what I learnt was all from a book I brought back that she read. My first year book _Magical Theory _by Adalbert Waffling.

The passage is so important she made me memorise it and right it from memory to make sure it stuck.

_When casting a spell, be it a Charm a jinx or a curse, said spell consists of a number of components, namely magical power, control, intent and emotion._

_Magical power is an inherent characteristic of the caster. A combination of the magical strength of the caster and the power required for the spell, determines whether or not the spell can be cast at all._

_Control relates to the release of magic from a magical core to power the spell and is a function of both the wand movements and the words of the spell and as such is closely related to intent. The words are an aid to memory of the specific wand movements, which if muddled or cut short will not release magic in the correct way causing an incorrect casting, and the intent, see later. An obvious example of this comes early in a child's magical education with the levitation spell 'wingardium leviosa' and the corresponding 'swish and flick' movement. The 'swish' is required to be especially long in order to build up enough magic to establish dominance over the object to be levitated and defeat gravity, while the 'flick' gives the object the direction it is required to move in._

_As may be noted from the above statement the release of magic requires fine control of wand movements hence when the wand movements are known well enough spells may be cast silently. It may also be surmised that if wand movements are mimicked without the presence of a wand, magic will be released in the correct way to power a spell regardless. This is indeed the case, however, the presence of a wand draws a greater proportion of magic from the core, increasing the power and efficiency of a spell. Incidentally this is also the origin of 'the wand choosing the wizard' as specific wands are drawn towards specific magical cores. This ultimately leads to wands being much more effective for one person than another._

_When a magic user becomes more skilled and knowledgeable about their own magic use the flow and release of their magic can be manipulated allowing for the shortening of wand movements making casting much faster, however for best results the prescribed movements are always more effective._

_Intent involves desiring the magic released to perform a specific task. Wand movements release magic regardless, hence the reason a wand shouldn't be waved around carelessly, however, without a clear indication from the caster of what 'the magic' is required to do, a spell will not work, despite the necessary magical power and control being displayed. The most effective demonstration of this is in the field of Transfiguration where a variety of different wand movements are required for the various different transformations based on what is being changed and what it's being changed too, whether there is a change in size, whether the object is alive or will be after the Transfiguration. While all of these variables effect the necessary wand movements, it is intent which shapes the final transfiguration and depending on the focus of the caster can result in especially elaborate final products or may collapse mid-process, such as the traditional kettle to tortoise transformation, which often results in a tortoise that whistles in warmer climates if done incorrectly._

_Emotion in spell casting is a tricky subject, that magic is affected by emotion is often clear from our very first steps into the magical world with the area of a child's accidental magic. In the field of Charms emotion is often of little consequence as long as the caster has the necessary power, control and intent. However more powerful magics may require some emotional content and even if such a component is not strictly necessary, the extra power provided by emotions can boost a spell. However, using emotions regularly to power spells should be done only with caution. _

_Emotion may be used to override the pathways for magic to be released from the magical core, making casting powerful magic simpler or even allowing a form of powerful wandless magic _

_However, such 'wandless' magic in particular is dangerous. Due to the requirement of such strong emotions, a person who regularly uses such emotion based magic can permanently damage their psyche due to the need to keep such strong emotions, most often love or hate, close to the surface._

I know I could have just referenced the page but frankly the more places I can read and remember it the better and I think the hour I spent learning it is possibly the most important hour of my magical education.

Since reading that in Leola's first Charms lesson we've been going through Charms again from the beginning. Only learning four spells a day at most but spending at least half an hour repeating the wand movements over and over until they're engrained. I think I'm starting to unlearn my bad habits.

Having seen the difference in Charms I looked more deeply into theory in Defence and Transfiguration. All I found were more long-winded ways of saying the same as Adalbert had, though there was an interesting section on various wand movements and what they meant in relation to Charms, Hexes, Curses and Transfiguration. I made a note of it to come back to after I had more practical experience. With that I settled into a similar pattern as for Charms in both Defence and Transfiguration, repeated casting to remove flaws in my wand work and practicing the intent. I honestly believe if I took my OWLs again now I could improve the inevitable EE's in Charms and Transfiguration to O's.

Then there is Runes. Why did no one ever speak to me about Runes? How difficult would it be for someone to take me aside and say 'Harry did you know the Potter's are pretty good with Runes?' I know I could have taken it upon myself to learn rather than just going for what Ron did but the teachers must have known I had no one to ask advice from. Anyway, Runes are great. Or at least the way Leola teaches they are. I think she's clocked on to the fact that I excel at practical work rather than theory so each lesson has been about putting together a Runic seal to perform a function. One locked a door, one strengthened a ceramic mug and so on, then we discuss why the seal works that way based on each rune involved and how it interacts with the others. At the moment I know four seals and eight different Runes but there are ten Rune alphabets Leola knows plus another four she found in the Potter books that she was salivating over. Making over six hundred different Runes we think and as I learn new ones I have to learn how they relate to ALL the other ones I know, Leola reckons that's only a fraction of the number there actually are as well. That said once I know the ones she does we can start enchanting and depending on how things go in the forge I might be able to make AND enchant my own weapons!

June 17th

Okay I spent today, the last day before massive experiment that is my medical treatment, reading the Potter Masonry books and the Animagus transformation. The Masonry and stonework magic is really cool. I felt pretty manly doing as I was messing around shifting and shaping massive bits of rock before Helga told me off for disturbing her brewing.

The Animagus transformation was weird though. The book has notes in the margins from dad. Apparently Wormtail couldn't see an animal in the vision brought on by the revealing potion so they found something else instead called the Totem ritual. Instead of the animal most closely related to your personality you get the animal personification of your magical core. He left a reference luckily and what I found was shocking. It's like the exact opposite of the Animagus transformation in that for the animagus you meditate to accept the animal side of your personality, which is pretty easy due to the close relationship of your personality to the animal, and meditate to find your magical core, which is rather hard. For the Totem ritual you meditate to find your magical core, made much easier by the knowledge of your totem animal, and then meditate to resolve that animal to your personality, which is significantly harder. Apparently the author had attempted to use both potion and ritual and only noted a curious effect, which just got me even more intrigued.

June 19th

Ow. It hurt. But lucky for me, according to Leola, My right arm, my wand arm, though she has also been making me cast left handed, is the one that's fine so I can keep practicing magic. If I can keep casting through pain it helps muscle memory. When I noted that pretty soon I would have brand new muscles so they would have no memory it didn't go down well.

At least Helga isn't going to start teaching me yet, apparently if I am just going to moan and whine she doesn't want me making potions, they need my complete attention.

June 22nd

I have new Legs!

June 24th

Never have someone vanish your pelvis!


	2. July 932AD

July 2nd

Phew, they finished my spine. I feel a little safer now. Though next is my jaw. Leola just had a really evil grin and said I better be up to speed on silent casting. I think she was worried about the spine work because she seems much brighter today. It feels nice to have someone that interested.

July 8th

The ribs are finished and my bone regrowth is finally over. Magic wise I'm doing surprising well, even according to Leola. The first year charms are finished as is the Transfiguration and Defence work for first year. We left it at that until after the soft tissue regrowth but the slack has been made up by Runes. I seem to be motoring through what she wants to do. Apparently once the treatment is finished I can try a couple of enchantments using the Elder Futharc I now know by heart.

July 31st

It's good that the whole treatment finished on my birthday I now have a completely undamaged set of muscles and organs to go with the bones. They, Hector and Gerhalt, want to wait six days before starting in the forge, in the woods and with weapons to make sure everything is in full working order. Helga has a little more faith so for the next four days until Sunday Potions gets added to the mix.


	3. August 932AD

August 2nd

Okay whatever I thought about Leola appreciating hard work it is absolutely nothing compared to her daughter. Apparently for me to be able 'pass' her course I need to be able to intuitively brew any OWL level potion, and be able to improve on the NEWT ones! The woman is mental. Apparently we won't brew every day, it's going to be split into a theory lesson and a practical lesson. The theory lesson to discuss how various stirring techniques or heating techniques or preparation techniques affect ingredients, which ingredients do what and how they should be treated. At the end of the lesson we come up with a set of instructions for the required potion and compare it to the book. The second lesson we make it. It seems a much better way of doing things. I now know not only why Neville's cauldron exploded when the porcupine quills were added but why the things were needed in the first place, and what can be used instead when they are unavailable.

August 4th

Exploded cauldron today. Helga was grilling me about the Herbology lessons I've had and so I took my eyes off the cauldron. She actually accepted partial blame for that, though it was a very grudging acceptance.

August 5th

I think I may have found a gift. Rather than messing around with big rocks like last time with the Potter books I got myself a decent size stone and tried to shape it using magic. It wasn't exactly what I was aiming for but the small sculpture of Hedwig flying made me choke up a bit, I think because it wasn't quite perfect, that there were flaws in it made it that much better. When Leola saw it she immediately decided to try and enchant it to actually fly. It will take a while though she wants to imbue it with some personality from Hedwig which will need me to do. The grounding runic system for the animation charms is likely to be exceptionally complicated as well. I didn't understand exactly what she was talking about but apparently I will in time.

I think that's what I miss most about my birthday. I have had too many years of indifference for me to celebrate it but it's the anniversary of the day I got Hedwig. I know I couldn't really bring her back with me, aside from anything else I have no one to write to but I can't help but feel even more isolated in the past. Leola has been wonderful so far, but I hardly know any of the other three yet and what I know of Helga is slightly scary.

August 6th

Today was the first day of the proper schedule. Thankfully I was stronger in the forge and Gerhalt was much happier. I think it might be like stonework all this metal working, I really enjoyed it, watching Gerhalt fold and shape and sharpen metal. The sword we were making isn't a wonderful work of art, he won't even let me see his best work yet _'in case I pollute it with my current inadequacy'_ though he was smiling when he said it.

The woodcraft bit was good and Helga came out with us foraging and I learnt a bit more about Herbology and Creatures. Apparently she's going to be coming out with us every day unless she has brewing to do.

I was right about the hatchets too. I felt comfortable with them during the training, Hector gave me a crude pair to practice with and showed me a few forms he had worked out. It looked a bit like martial arts, Hector was saying he's faster than most men but also not as strong as some so he tried to develop a fighting style based on speed and agility. He's by no means a master but growing up in a large magical household without magic caused him and Gerhalt to learn how to fight very early. Tomorrow I start on the staff with Gerhalt.

It's weird, I actually miss doing as much magic as I was doing in the first few weeks. The Transfiguration and Defence lessons went surprisingly well though. I managed to get Helga interested in the animagus transformation, its going to be a Sunday project, for us meaning I can spend the hours before bed, planning lessons for the following day. Defence was simple too following the same course I did for the DA. Luckily Hermione made me write lesson plans for those so I have them with me, I also have some ideas for further on in the course as well but I think Helga and Leola were pleased with what we did today. Helga in particular was rather good at the transfiguration parts, while Leola seemed to put far more effort into Defence.

August 11th

I ache everywhere! They were all being nice to me that first day! Each and every day I have been physically, mentally and magically exhausted. I'm surprised I have the strength to write at all. My only bright spot is I got my own back in Defence. The pair are onto shields now and I am slightly ashamed to say I took great pleasure in pounding away at them and watching them struggle from the onslaught.

I'd like to say I could do something similar with Hector and Gerhalt but I would be lying. On the bright side, the staff is like the hatchets, it just feels natural, perhaps there is some crossover from handling a broom, but having seen me with all kinds of weapons apparently my weapons are the hatchets and the staff.

Once I get good with the staff it can probably become a spear or some weird thing they called a swordstaff which is exactly like it sounds with a proper blade on top of a length of wood. Apparently it's a good weapon against cavalry. How many horses Voldemort has is open for debate but I can't deny the powerful feeling that came with learning to physically defend myself and it certainly felt more comfortable than a sword.

It would be Ginny's birthday today. I've managed to avoid thinking about it until now but it's rather weird. There's all kinds that remind me of what I've left, Helga will say something and remind me of Hermione, I'll laugh about something and think about Ron, Leola is a cross of McGonagall and Mrs Weasley with occasional flashes of what I hope my own mother would be like. The warmth of the Weasleys, the spark to challenge the Marauders, and the wisdom of her old head of house. Every bird call sounds like Hedwig, other odd animal noises remind me of Hagrid.

All of those happen so regularly I'm getting used to them, it's things that remind me of Ginny that shock me because their kind of rare. It's not so much that I miss her, though that's part of it, it's that I miss what could have been.

August 12th

Today was good. Incredibly relaxing compared to the last week. I experimented with the delicate stuff from the Potter books again. I think I'm getting much better, I'm working on a sculpture of Hermione at the moment. The hair is a pain. I have a sort of plan to do them all, Hermione, Ron the Twins, though I might just make one and copy it, Sirius, Remus, Mum and Dad, Cedric, Ginny and Hedwig again. They're relaxing and kind of cathartic. Like there always with me because I can see them. I know that mush about carrying people in your heart s they're always with you but personally I like the physical representation better. Of course the ultimate challenge would be to try and do Tonks, carving an ever changing sculpture. Well it's something to aim for.

I got to spend time relaxing with Helga as well today. Not quite so relaxing perhaps as we were studying the animagus transformation, but nicer than being lectured over a cauldron. I think she's like Hermione would be if she didn't have the inferiority complex. Smart, opinionated, stubborn and self-confident as well as extremely derogatory to anyone lazy.

Apparently her best friends before they were disowned from the family were rather dumb but made the effort to improve themselves, whereas there were also people she said were smarter than her who completely wasted they're talent. She was eyeing me as she said it in a way that suggested she thought I was part of the latter group.

She's also rather funny when she gets on her rants, exactly like I think Hermione is. Have a theory that Hermione is actually really funny, occasionally she says something that will make you do a double take, but she's had so little positive reinforcement from her social peers that she keeps quiet in the hope of fitting in. Even now I think she struggles.

Apparently the animagus revealing potion will take almost a month, while preparations for the Totem ritual will take just over three weeks. We both agreed that it wouldn't hurt to try both. At best we could have two forms to choose from and at worst we only get one. The book said curious effect not 'Don't Do It The Forms Cancel Each Other!' There are loads of preparations to make for the ritual though. Runic circles to be carved into the ground, spelled out with certain plants that will be set fire to, and written in inks made up from various potions. The inks are also to be drawn on our naked bodies. Everywhere on our naked bodies. At least we're in separate Runic circles.

I actually feel a bit like I'm taking advantage of everyone here. Getting all this education and all I'm doing in return is teaching them a subject I'm only average at and one I might only be able to get them to NEWT level. By the time I leave here I should be a Runes and Charms master according to Leola, well on my way to becoming a Master Enchanter and Warder apparently as the two are closely linked. Adequate at Potions, which by Helga's standards would be praise indeed. With that would come Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures, as well as Astronomy curiously enough. Throw in some private History research and I could ace NEWTs when I get back. The animagus process makes me feel even worse, it was my idea but Helga's preparing all the potions and inks, Hector's gathering the plants and Leola will deal with the Runes. I just stand around like a lemon.

August 16th

I made my first sword! It was awful if I'm honest, the blade was slightly curved and wouldn't straighten properly, I couldn't get it overly sharp and the weight distribution was all wrong. But it was still a sword. Gerhalt said he was proud of me!

August 19th

My head has been atrocious all day. Hector and Gerhalt took me down to the tavern about 3 miles away last night to 'celebrate my success' this week. Making the sword and making a full five minutes of form practice with the staff without falling on my arse is reason to celebrate.

They introduced me to mead. A lot of mead. Then I think they started asking about women and whether I had any intention of 'trying to plough their niece'. After pitting up a good portion of my tankard, I'm fairly sure I began talking about Ginny and Cho. Explaining about Asians was rather difficult to two people who had never set foot outside a twenty mile radius, and they were impressed by the redhead. Apparently men who can attract redheads are revered due to their fiery temperament, like taming a dragon. When I mentioned that my mother was a redhead they began looking at me oddly somewhere between fear and awe, though that might have been the mead imagining things, I certainly don't remember the whole night.

The worst part was we were rehashing the conversation about ploughing Helga when we staggered back. The women were less than pleased, Leola was fuming and Helga was mortified. It made today's animagus research rather more awkward. As a result Leola banned any of us from Helga's hangover cure, she did have more sympathy with me as she heard some of arguments about Ginny but thought it would cause more harm than good to allow some to me and not the others. Besides when I said I'd never drunk before, it was decided that everyone needs to experience a hangover once. Not by me but the others were insistent.

August 26th

Three weeks of this training is taking its toll. Really. I wanted to write at times this week but every time I picked up a quill I couldn't concentrate through the exhaustion. Not that an awful lot happened this week just little things, there was an almost father son type moment in the forge with Gerhalt. I think the night in the tavern affected him, he spends much more time just talking now and at one point he took me aside and showed me how to throw a punch and take a kick and where to hit and stuff. I know that kind of thing usually happens to younger boys but it meant a lot to me.

Hector on the other hand has started to act more like a much older brother someone like Bill would be to Ron, or a favourite uncle, something like Sirius. He gave me the talk. It felt weird as a sixteen year old to get it but apparently it was painfully obvious no one had taken the time to do it. Of course I knew the basics, sharing a dorm with four other boys meant that stories were passed around, and I knew the physical aspects. Gryffindor tower did a thriving trade in illicit magazines that most of the boys were introduced to their fist night. Unlike Seamus and Ron though I never partook. Always had more things to worry about really.

I also caught Leola looking at me oddly a few times, sometimes looking at me and Helga, I'm not sure what she's thinking. Helga's attractive, very attractive really but whether the Ginny situation is still so raw or she reminds me too much of Hermione, I just don't think of her like that. Not that I never will, but at the moment it's not on the agenda.

Of course many in the school already think me and Hermione are together, I've even heard mention from Malfoy about a possible three-way relationship with Ron joining in. My response about a three-way relationship between him Crabbe and Goyle silenced him but there are still some with the idea.

I've often wondered why I don't see Hermione in that light, I mean I'm not saying I never had dreams involving her, she was getting increasingly attractive, but really she is too forceful a presence. I think years of being put upon made me need someone who gives me the space to let me be myself. Not that I don't appreciate her help of course. She's been less like a sister and almost like a mother to me and Ron. Well me anyway, the pair of them certainly don't think of each other in a familial way.


	4. September 932AD

Disclaimer - Not mine, all JKRs yadda yadda yadda

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September 2nd

This week has been confusing. I had a long talk with Leola. It was nice, I hadn't realised how much only seeing her for four hours a day in lessons rather than the full days it was before was affecting our relationship. I caught her looking between Helga and me one too many times over dinner on Thursday. So I decided to cancel my lessons and call her on it. Helga didn't mind since the animagus potion had reached a tricky stage.

When we sat down she told me she had overheard more of Gerhalt and Hector's conversation than I thought and the idea of me and Helga was one she had been contemplating and was beginning to approve of. As pleased as I was by her acceptance I had to nip that thought process in the bud early.

It turned out that while she had heard about Helga, Leola heard nothing about my history with Cho or that much of situation with Ginny. I started talking about my history with Ginny which lead to a more detailed discussion of my personal history than anyone had heard, the Basilisk was covered, so too the incident with Mr Weasley and nagini. It also lead to a discussion on my fame as the route of Ginny's crush and the fact that she didn't come back in time as she had convinced herself she was over her crush.

At least Leola understood that the issue of a female companion was rather sensitive though she also tried to keep me open to the idea. I didn't have the heart to flat out deny anything would happen. The fact was I wasn't sure.

In terms of magical progress I think I'm at the end of second year charms and part way through Younger Futhark, apparently even though it's a condensed form of Elder Futhark the Runes have many different strengths and meanings and the interactions between the two turn out to be insanely complex.

My first enchanting project has been put on hold until I've mastered animation charms then I'm going to permanently animate my Hedwig sculpture. I finally found out what Leola was talking about with grounding runes as well.

It seems that the magic of Runes is two-fold. You can carve relatively simple runic scripts for things like increased strength or making something waterproof or even unbreakable. These work rather well, and the inherent magic of the runes themselves draws magic from the atmosphere to power the script. This is first level enchantment. However, Runes can't do everything and to enchant something with more complex attributes Charms are required. But Charms fade over time unless they are linked to a set of Runes which can draw atmospheric magic and power the Charm continuously. These grounding Runes sets require both a component the draws magic and one which can hold the Charm and they vary depending on the Charm involved, making this level of enchanting extremely difficult. Some of the Charms grounded also cross over into types of hexes and curses, thus leading to some potentially rather violent wards.

Apparently if I want to enchant Hedwig to the level I want, I need to know some particularly impressive Animation Charms, basically the ones that would get me extra credit at NEWT level, and come up with a Rune set to ground them. Apparently it will probably take a full year to get finish NEWT level Charms to the level Leola wants but by that point she and Helga will probably be as far as we can go in terms of spells with Transfiguration and Defence.

Potions is a bit of a nightmare. I harboured some hope that without Snape I would find some hitherto unknown gift for the subject. I haven't got one. Not that I'm bad at it. Helga seems to go out of her way to say I'm not bad at all. I'm just not great.

Magical Creatures and Herbology are different though. Herbology being basically gardening, always reminded me forcefully of the Dursleys so I didn't always give my all, happy to let Neville shine. Now though I like it, not as much as Charms or Runes but it's a nice change of pace and the foraging we do with Hector and his impromptu lessons are rather good. Creatures I think I might be better at in some aspects than Helga even, if only because I have more experience with the larger and more violent types, Helga was stunned when I spoke about Buckbeak and Hector looked wistful when I spoke about thestrals. Apparently muggles and squibs can never see them.

At some point Hector said we'll track and hunt at night and we'll navigate by the stars. He'll teach me more Astronomy then, but he's definitely improved my knowledge and he was really pleased with my telescope.

My stone work is getting better, or I like to think it is and the others seem to think so. I'm trying to make Ron now, Hermione's finished. I think I'm spending longer than I need to on Ron because I plan on Sirius next. I've managed to avoid thinking of Sirius even more than Ginny but it's still there at the back of my mind. I know I have to make the sculpture even just the bust not a big life size thing but it's going to be like a tribute to him and an admission that he's gone. I can't help but feel I don't have the talent to pull it off but I think part of it is that I just don't have the inclination to do it.

I can put it off a bit longer as well seeing as the next few weekends are taken up with the Totem ritual and the animagus transformation. I'm not sure that it's healthy but I'm doing it anyway. It's a different kind of tribute.

September 5th

I don't know whether to be furious or pleased. I've been wondering why Leola was so encouraging of my stonework and experimentation with the Potter legacy. Today I came up with the idea of using the knowledge to build a home for us all while we're here. Apparently that was Leola's plan all along, she's been looking up various wards and enchantments in the Potter library that she can put into the walls!

Part of me is pleased that I can actually be useful but some part, the majority really is hurt that it seems the only reason people have been helping me is to get something out of it. I'll still do it probably, it's a shame to waste that knowledge and the family deserve a nice home but I'm definitely not as comfortable around them as I was.

September 7th

Well that was weird. They noticed I'd been off for the past few days, so decided to sit me down and check everything was okay!

Well isn't that fine and dandy, no one seems to think there is a problem that a boy who's been used and trodden all his life has been used again. So what if I'm getting more out of it this time just another group of people believing I owe them something. In this case they have a point but just the belief that I'd do it, no asking no me offering. Just casual manipulation into getting something off my hard work.

September 8th

Okay I may have been slightly harsh. Helga at least didn't have a clue what was going on and was outraged and furious with her mother. The argument is still going on now.

If anything its making me feel worse coming between a family. Doors are closed so I can't hear the words of the argument but frankly every muffled shout makes me feel guiltier.

September 9th

Well it's been one of the most emotional days since I've been here. Leola apologised. Apparently at one point when we were talking about the stonework spells I said it would be nice to build something. She and Hector took that as one day I'll be building a house, so she was looking up wards I'm going to need and Hector's been practicing his carpentry again. I'm still not as comfortable as I was but we're all trying to move passed it though.

But more importantly, today was the Totem ritual for both me and Helga. The vision I got was scary. There are all kinds of meanings to each animal, based on size, whether it's a predator, what type of animal; mammal, bird, fish, etc. So I went in to the vision fairly well prepared, or so I thought.

I went through this inky blackness until I saw two points of green light which I took to be eyes. Moving closer to them they became this massive grey and black tiger. It was incredible, three and a half feet at the shoulder and twelve feet long, it was beautiful. I couldn't believe it.

The fact it was so large means my magical core is very large apparently, there is some sort of grading scale and the only more powerful cores would have been something unnaturally expanded or something magical in itself. Apparently even a knarl as a core would suggest more power than a tiger. But a tiger form is inherently more useful, to my mind anyway as I was interested in the benefits that came with the form rather than the stealth of being able to hide. My core was on a par with all the other large predators polar bears and the big sharks, as well as the truly enormous herbivores like elephants.

Just as I was moving forward to stroke the tiger and acknowledge my core animal, a pair of red eyes made themselves visible about a quarter of a second before they leapt at my tiger. What followed was a vicious battle between tiger and what looked to be an eighteen foot long lizard, like the Komodo dragon I saw in the reptile house in the zoo. The beast was monstrous and took my tiger by surprise and had the greater size, but the tiger had the greater agility and speed, and slowly was getting away from the lizard and using its own speed and power to its advantage. With an almighty swing of its front right paw it raked the lizard across its eye, causing it to yelp in pain and giving the tiger all the time it needed to go in for the kill, following up its attack with a leap onto the head of the creature and a powerful bite to its neck. I observed its death roes with morbid fascination and could only watch with horror as it began to lap up the blood of the fallen beast.

If that wasn't enough, the tiger then started howling in pain. It reminded me of nothing so much as the opening to the he-man cartoon I managed to glimpse that one time, where kringer becomes battlecat, and the underside of the tiger became kind of scaly like the lizard. In fact it was less like a komodo dragon and more like an actual dragon. The underside anyway, the scales gave way to fur on the back.

It was odd after that the tiger/lizard hybrid sort of backed away as if afraid I wouldn't accept it. I had to stride towards it obviously but slowly, allowing to become used to me and the second I touched it I felt the powerful surge of my magical core linking with my physical form. The thing I would have to strive for with my meditation.

The next thing I knew that feeling had disappeared and I was awake and naked and surrounded by people. It wasn't the most the most pleasant waking up experience of my life.

Somewhat unsurprisingly my ritual was going for much longer than Helga's and they got worried. It was pleasing they were concerned and it did help further heal the wound of Leola's manipulations but it didn't change the fact they were all staring at me naked.

When we got back inside and discussed it we came to the conclusion that the tiger was my magical core and what I had watched was a visual representation of the fight between my magic and Voldemort's and it seems that whatever he did, somehow changed my magic, though it seems to have added other aspects to it rather than completely change it. Cold-blooded predator cores represent an affinity for hexes and curses and offensive magic, whereas warm-blooded predators are more associated with being able to take care of oneself so Charms and the defensive aspects of Combat magic.

One thing that did confuse though was Helga's vision which she said showed some kind of really big skunk which had larger claws and teeth than any skunk she'd ever seen. That just seemed a bit wrong for some reason.

September 16th

Okay if I thought last weekend's vision was weird after a particularly unpleasant week then this week was different again.

After taking the potion I waited what seemed like an age before I found myself in a forest staring into the undergrowth at two emerald green eyes. It was a strangely comforting reminder of the previous week, as I moved forward the creature moved towards me and I wasn't surprised to see a massive wolf there, reading up on personalities of various creatures it seemed to fit. It wasn't really like the more modern wolves in the books I'd been looking at though, but thicker looking, stronger, more powerful. Almost like a caricature of a wolf except without the bloody fangs you might expect. It was the height of Padfoot, bigger even because it was sturdier, wider. It had thick dark grey almost black fur. I reached out to touch it. As my fingers met the fur I felt a connection, similar to that of the previous week except rather than resonate with my magical core within my body, this connection seemed to be entirely located in my mind.

After a moment though the wolf broke the connection and wandered away before turning around, seeming to beg me to follow. Follow I did and minutes passed as I went deeper and deeper into the forest, the wolf led me, the forest was turning dark, almost too dark to see. Eventually all was black and I could only make my way through contact with the wolf, when suddenly it stopped. I realized I was no longer feeling the brush of trees against my body and from the darkness opposite I was gazing once more on the tiger/lizard cross that was my magical core.

Following the wolfs lead I made my way forward as did my totem animal. When we had made our way to some arbitrary centre point the wolf escaped from under my left hand and went to stand next to the tiger. Both looked at me and I reached out, touching both on the forehead. As I reached out my magic seemed to sing through my body while the connection through my mind was on fire. There was no pain just the feeling of completeness which vanished when I realized that neither of my hands was touching anything now. Opening my eyes which had closed during the process I no longer saw the two animals instead I saw one creature. It still had the underside of the dragon, it still had the markings of the tiger and the powerful back legs looked to be from the large cat, but the front, the front was all wolf, with the exception of a slightly shortened, slightly feline looking snout. Larger than either the wolf or the tiger it was fifteen feet long and well over four feet, possibly four and a half at the shoulder. Long story short I'm an alphyn. I didn't even know what an alphyn was until Hector told me, part big cat, part wolf, part dragon. Fast and agile like the cat, the stamina and determination of the wolf and the power of a dragon. It sounds awesome!

We worked out what was wrong with Helga's vision as well. Her animagus form was, somewhat unsurprisingly for me, a badger, but when they combined for her the creature became a massive almost bear-like badger, with longer claws and sharper teeth than she thought a badger should have. She reckoned it ended up about eight feet long and two or two and a half feet tall. It just seemed to be a badger amped up to as predatory as it could get. Looking through the natural history books that are part of the Potter collection, I think animagi are also in the blood, we came across the honey badger, a completely fearless, snake eating omnivore known to take out lions and leopards. At least I understand why the skunk felt off.

When I spoke to Helga alone she said she felt the singing and fire too, almost as if because the visions melded our magic and personality we can meditate to search for the centre point rather than doing both separately. Perhaps the whole process might take us less than the two years it took dad and Sirius.

September 19th

Hermione's birthday. I struggled to make it through today. I made her a sculpture of Crookshanks in my stonework time, I think all the birthdays will be hard. I'm really not looking forward to Christmas.

September 23rd

You know you think something like the animagus process will take a year and you know that realistically it will, but then you sit down to do the meditation searching for your core and to resolve your animal characteristics and some part of you, however, daft it seems, has the crazy idea it will be done in that first session. Four hours we were both sat there and neither of us felt anything. Realistically it was always going to happen. In practice it's incredibly disheartening. Maybe I'll try and do some meditation before I go to bed every night as well. It is very relaxing.

Everything else though is really beginning to come together. I'm getting in to the swing of this schedule. Magically I noticed a difference right away but I'm beginning to feel better physically now that the aches from lack of muscle use have given way. Hector's been getting me working on different things with the hatchets now that I've finally got all the hacking, slashing and cutting techniques sorted. I was beginning to get bored with it but the constant repetition of the basic movement really helped with the forms he's got me learning. They're not difficult parrying with one hacking with the other crosswise before pushing back against the parry and slashing down while parrying the return hack with the opposite hand. It really doesn't look spectacular but it's effective and is the basis of any effective close combat with hatchets apparently.

The staff as well I'm making progress, my blocking is really good now and I'm going to start attacking manoeuvres next week.

I did have to leave the forge for a couple of days after burning my arm on some scalding metal, if the pain wasn't bad enough the smell of the roasted flesh was disgusting. Luckily it was my left arm so spell casting wasn't affected but weapons was cancelled for the day as Helga and Leola were fixing me up with the right burn paste.

I'm back in the swing of things with the masonry work and back to hefting the big blocks around. To be honest I think I've got the cutting and shaping thing down enough that I could probably start going to work on the house as long as I had someone's help. I might speak to Leola about it next week and see how the various enchantments are going. Things have been almost back to normal this week and by next week I think we should be back on track.

Magical training is flying for the lessons I'm teaching, the pair picking it up far faster than I did. That said my Transfiguration work is better than it's ever been and my Defence work continues to improve.

Charms and Runes don't feel like I'm progressing as fast but a lot of that is probably coloured by the progress I made in the first few weeks when I had more time, besides, technically there are more actual things to learn in each subject. I'm now midway through third year Charms, the form is getting easier and the repetitions don't talk as long because I'm beginning to see my mistakes before I start casting. The silent casting part isn't so much of a struggle either. I think the work with visualisation of intent for Transfiguration practice has made all the difference as I'm finding it much less difficult to concentrate and focus on the end result now.

Potions of course is still tough but we're getting towards the end of first year and things haven't blown up again. Helga is occasionally even complementary. I actually got her to smile during the lesson on Saturday.

I still don't know what to make of Helga, I really like her as a person and I know the adults are rooting for us to get together but I'm not sure how I feel about her, she can infuriate me and make me laugh, she's attractive and witty and intelligent, stubborn, hard-working and loyal. Maybe there is something there and I'm only fighting it because of the issues I've built up over Ginny.

September 27th

Okay I'm not sure how I feel about this. Hector is taking me out hunting on Saturday. We need the meat and objectively I know that means something dying but being directly responsible for it seems extremely close to murder. I know I killed the basilisk, and at least had a hand in Quirrell's death but I can happily tell myself they were self-defence. Actually going out with the aim of killing something seems wrong.

September 29th

Well I did it. I killed a boar. Then I was sick. I spoke to Hector about the whole thing he gave me a rather interesting talk. His view and it's a sensible one, or it seems it would be if I can accept it, is that there is a difference between killing and murder. Killing is something a predator does to get food or to defend his territory or family. Murder is any killing carried out over and above that and accounts for anything from the unnecessary killing of extra animals for food that won't be eaten, all the way through to starting an unjust war. It's an interesting philosophy and it does vindicate some of things I'll ultimately have to do against Voldemort, but the danger is I could start rationalising all kinds of killing easily. I would imagine Voldemort sees I high proportion of the murders he's carried out as necessary killing. Ah well, enough philosophy we need to drink to 'celebrate' my kill.

September 30th

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Today I woke up with a horrendous hangover lying on my bed with my arms around a topless Helga. Not good. We couldn't look at each other all day until we finally sat down on our own this evening. Neither of us remember what happened and neither of us are sure what's going on now. Luckily Helga knew the Charm to check her virtue is still intact, and it is, so it didn't go that far.

I think we were up before anyone else and I don't think they saw us last night but I'm really scared about the family now. They know something happened as we've been that odd around each other today I think Helga has been accosted by her mum just now.

Well that's weird. Leola spoke to Helga about it and said the best thing we can do now is get drunk, talk through it and kiss again to see if there is a spark. We did and there isn't.

We sort of talked about it and I think we decided that a boy and a girl living together so closely something was bound to happen. We're lucky it didn't go too far but we need to be careful getting drunk as we are hormonal teenagers who rarely see anyone else and though we don't feel like that about each other there's a good chance a lack of an available 'outlet' for our frustrations may cause problems. Actually Leola said I need to take advantage of a tavern girl but that seems a bit wrong and I've never been comfortable 'helping myself', another side effect of living with the Dursleys and their obsession with cleanliness so thanks again to them. Unfortunately it's a problem which given the sounds coming from Dudley's room of a night, he never had.


	5. October 932AD

Disclaimer - You know the drill - NOT MINE! All hers. I'm just playing

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October 1st

Well things were slightly less awkward today. I think someone must have spoken to Hector because he keeps talking about taking full advantage of the delights of the tavern. I managed to get a hit on him with the blunted hatchets.

October 5th

I'm not entirely certain, but I think I felt a slight tingle at one point during my meditation on my animagus/totem form!

Things have settled down a bit now after a really awkward talk with Gerhalt. When he hasn't had his 'needs' met he goes and works out his frustrations by working the metal in the forge. Apparently beating the crap out of a piece of red hot metal can help take the edge off.

October 7th

Okay today was a damn good day. I felt the tingle again today and Helga thinks she felt something too.

Better though was that we had a couple of drinks and ended up having a laugh about Hector's attempts to get me to a prostitute and Gerhalt's battle against sexual frustration. What was worse was Leola's talk with Helga. She got given a detailed account as to how a woman can 'look after' herself without resorting to outside help. She was mortified, though scarily when she was a bit drunker she did admit to being interested in the possibilities.

What was worse was that she said it was much more advanced than what she tried so far which led to a rather odd conversation about male and female masturbation practices. When I mentioned not being especially experienced in the area and why she scowled and said _'You shouldn't let the bastards take anything else from you!'_ I understand the sentiment but that it should apply to wanking is hard to fathom.

October 14th

No further progress with the transformation. However I spoke to Leola today after my 'messing around with rocks' time. She's close to having the enchantments and wards she wants. She's also intrigued by what I've said about houses in the future so she wants me involved in the house design. How the hell do I know how to design a house? Apparently it can wait until after Christmas because there are things to sort out before then. Its fine by me, I'm going to use some of the stone work time to practice more Charms work. I actually think it's starting to come even easier now. I'm at the start of Fourth year already and apparently my Summoning Charm is 'superb'. Somehow that one doesn't surprise me.

I've finally finished Norse Runes. I'm moving onto Ogham. If Norse Runes were bad Ogham Runes are ludicrous, but they are exceptionally powerful, apparently it's these we're going to use for a lot of the wards. They are the old druidic Runes and hardly ever written or seen anywhere. Actually, some of the texts I brought back say most of them are lost! I guess not for long.

Potions is getting to be one of my favourite lessons now. Not because I'm especially good but that now that the sexual tension has been lifted, and it has, the atmosphere and banter between me and Helga is better. I think it helps that we both have areas we're better at; I'm more gifted with Runes and Charms while she has Potions and Herbology. I'm slightly better at Defence, she's slightly better at Transfiguration, Astronomy and Care we're about even while History doesn't really count as we can hardly test each other on the same things.

I actually think she's much happier because it's Runes and Charms I'm good at I think there's a bit of guilt because she took after her Dad rather than Leola and she just wasn't really gifted in her mother's subject. Now that Leola has me to teach, the knowledge is passed on to the 'family' anyway and everyone is happier.

Physically everything feels at a standstill. I know I'm getting better because I can see both Gerhalt and Hector trying harder, but since that hit with the hatchets I've not managed to land another blow. Having said that I can tell I'm getting stronger because in the forge I'm using he heavier hammers, I've started using both arms as well as part of the plan to make myself ambidextrous. I know my wand is suited to my right hand but it works pretty well for the left. I think it's just as important as learning other weapons with both hands I've spoken to both Leola and Helga about their wandless casting too. Even if it's just a summoning charm for their wand being able to do any spell without a wand is an advantage, even if it's a significantly underpowered one.

October 19th

I got hits in with the staff! Two of them! They said they're going to stop taking it easy on me soon but I think they were impressed. They made me call off the lessons for tonight so we can go for a drink.

October 21st

Well that didn't go down well. It's Leola's birthday and no one told me. Of course it also came up that no knew my birthday and the fact that they'd missed it but it could have gone better. Fortunately I was able to modify the sculptures I'd been working on for the past few weeks so she now has extremely accurate ones of all five of us. She appreciated it, I just hope I remember next year. While I remember I found out for everyone else Helga March 11th, Hector April 15th and Gerhalt May 1st.

October 23rd

My latest sword was 'decent'! AND I got three hits with the staff on Hector this time. At some point soon they're trying me with a spear and a swordstaff to see if I'm better with them than the sword. Incidentally I tried one again. I think I was better with it, Gerhalt just pursed his lips and said the amount of time it would take for me to learn makes the whole project a no go. I wasn't happy but he did say he'd never heard of anybody take to the staff or hatchets, or even hammers like those in the forge like I had. Maybe a battle hammer is the way to go if I want to learn something else. Of course it was only later I realised that Gerhalt and Hector are hardly well travelled or even exceptionally well trained in weapons, though both have made a point of learning to handle all kinds of arms.

October 28th

I'd like to have more to write but honestly not a lot's happening. We're no further with the transformation though I regularly feel the same tingle of magic now, but that tingle needs to be a full on jolt, I should also be able to see my core and my animal form when I meditate on that. Maybe that's what's wrong I've not looked at accepting the animal form yet and because the animal has already sort of joined with the core the feel of both maybe different.

Magic wise the Hufflepuff ladies are motoring through my lessons. I'm doing the Patronus next week so we'll see how that goes but it just shows what hard work and a lot of talent can do.

In Charms we're about a third of the way through fourth year. I can't believe how much of Fourth year I didn't pay attention to due to that damn tournament, this year is much slower going.

Helga just came through and asked what I want to do for Halloween. Ha! That turned into an interesting conversation. I think in the end it's been decided I need some time alone.

October 31st

Today's been tough. In terms of the traditional Halloween awful event in my life it's been lacking, it's not any less painful because of it though.

I think it might be helpful to at least have seen my parent's graves but even the village doesn't exist yet, at least not in that name.

It also lead me to thinking if I meet him, how am I going to look Salazar in the eye knowing I killed his familiar, knowing he enjoyed wandering around girls bathrooms. I honestly think I'm going to struggle not to kill him. Without him and his godforsaken heirs my life wouldn't have been shite.


	6. November 932AD

Disclaimer - same as before, all hers, maybe even some nicked from other fanfiction. If you think you recognise anything please let me now and I'll acknowledge it.

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November 4th

Honestly I'm just pleased to get through that week. Everyone has been walking on eggshells around me all week since I spoke to Helga last Sunday. I just took some of Gerhalt's advice and beat the crap out of some metal later in the week. It helped rather a lot.

I've not had chance to put my theory into practice in regard to the transformation but Helga seemed to agree it's worth exploring.

November 11th

About all I can say is at least this week was better than last. The men have stepped up the weapons bit and the bruises I'm getting aren't shifting as quickly as they used to, in the forge my work is good but that means I'm incredibly busy. My sculpting going well now though, I skipped Sirius before and did Remus. I think now I'm ready for Sirius.

We both focused on the animal side of the meditation this week, I can't tell if it's made a difference yet.

I actually think I'm close to hitting 'the wall' fifteen or sixteen hour days six days a week for the four months since my treatment. I'm surprised it's taken this long to hit it. Maybe I could do with a change in routine.

November 12th

Well I'm not sure if that was a mistake or not. I spoke to the adults about it and so Hector, Helga and I are going on a weeklong hunting and foraging trip. Helga and I will learn practical Charms and duel each other which we haven't yet done. I'll still be practicing with my weapons and she'll be practicing with hers. Daggers apparently, she's vicious with the things. We leave a week today.

November 18th

Okay Helga and I learnt something I'd been putting off for a while. Apparition. We figured if we were away and got into trouble it would be good to know. I also had a vague idea about going Christmas shopping in Diagon Alley. If Ollivanders was established there in 382BC then there must be some other shops there.


	7. December 932AD

Disclaimer - It's all JKR's if you don't know that by now frankly I'm surprised you've carried on reading this long

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December 2nd

Well I forgot to take this journal with me while I was away, but the last two weeks has been just what I needed. Helga and I studying together rather than in structured lessons, the amount of Herbology and Astronomy I learnt from Helga and Hector respectively was astonishing. The rain and the cold were unpleasant at times but with liberal use of warming and impervious charms we got through it. The only real hardship was in watching the footing. It was quite possibly the most relaxing single week of my life. More than Hogwarts after the exams because there were no Dursleys looming, plus I can't help but feel I earned this break more than I did the breaks I took at Hogwarts.

Did some duelling both with weapons and magic. I think Helga and I will have a problem in that we don't know that many curses or even shields, we can get to an okay level but not really beyond that to become great. Maybe we just have to get creative with what we do know, we should probably duel more often, with magic, not weapons. Helga with daggers in her hands is not a prospect I'd like to take on too often. I can only imagine what she'll be like with claws from her form.

Neither of us have managed to get too much further with that to be honest. I think not having a proper guide to the process is hurting us and we haven't got anywhere near the Transfiguration bits yet.

Leola came to the end of fourth year in Charms this week so she decided to take a break and use the extra time on Runes. It's probably a good idea. Ogham Runes are insanely complex but she wants them done by Christmas. Apparently it's all gravy after that because nothing is as difficult as the Ogham.

She mentioned something about Rune families as well which sounds kind of interesting. The two Futhark alphabets and Ogham are all related and interact rather well, the same for the Afro-Persian systems Nubian, Bantu and Cuneiform, as well as Sanskrit and Sino-Tibetan, the Asian systems. Each of these families work well together in Enchanting though each seems to have their specialities. I'm going to be learning all of them and they won't be as difficult as Ogham apparently. The only one that comes close is the Sino-Tibetan only because there are so many non-magical runes to sift through before you get to the good stuff. I don't know what's going on with the four new Rune alphabets. All I know is one comes from the Eskimo's, one from the Australian Aborigines, one from the Maori and Pacific islanders and then another monstrous one like Sino-Tibetan that Leola's loosely calling Mayan, which appears to cover the whole of North, Central and South America.

I've also been using the former masonry time to get ahead in Transfiguration and Defence this week. I think I was inspired by the duelling while we were away, it was good not to have to focus on fighting and surviving for a while so I think I may have been slacking slightly in my Defence studying. When it comes down to it though, I'm good at it and I quite enjoy the competitive aspect of it, pitting myself against someone or thing more powerful.

Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie, that might explain some of the situations I've got myself in, maybe after surviving rather than actually living when I was with 'them' I enjoy any situation that makes me feel alive. I suppose 'Harry hunting' was part of that too. Not that I enjoyed it obviously but it was one of the few reminders that I was alive. Perhaps subconsciously I've latched onto that and find myself in similar situations as some sort of in built need for the reminder of the exhilaration of living borne of my shitty formative years. Wow. That was pretty philosophical. Look at me getting all introspective. Hermione would be proud. So would Helga actually. Of course it's most likely bollocks.

Now that I've got the theory sorted I've found Transfiguration really isn't that difficult. It's a bit of a challenge certainly, and the time it takes me to complete the transformation is a touch too long compared to true masters like McGonagall or Dumbledore, but then again its Charms that's my forte.

I'm honestly not sure if I think of myself as more gifted with Charms or Defence anymore. Part of me clings to Defence because of my joys teaching the DA but I don't have the range of Defence books that I do Charms and I think of the two I'm going to end up knowing far more about Charms. Perhaps I'll have to learn more magical combat and all that from Godric or Salazar, either way I can go back when I choose to and I'm not setting foot in the Room of Requirement to make that move until I'm completely confident of my skills in a fight.

December 9th

The animal meditation made a difference! I still felt a tingle but there was definitely something else there something cerebral but primal. I need to work on it more.

Managed to get away for a bit yesterday and got to the alley. It was odd, I'm not sure what I expected it to be like but I kind of thought it would be the same. Of course looking back I kind of realised the alley is reminiscent of something out of a Dickens novel which is about 900 years into the future.

Ollivanders was a hut. A nice, stone built, sturdy hut but it was still a hut. Gringott's looked the same though. I should think about starting an account with them. I'm not sure if they charge interest but the amount I would get on the thousand galleons I brought back with me would be interesting. There were a few other shops and the alley itself was about a quarter of the size it is in my time and hidden by muggle repelling charms but not properly cut off. The Cauldron is still there but it looks worse than ever. Really the few shops there sold the essentials, potions supplies, enchanted artefacts, magical armour, there was no time or room for frivolities. No Gambol & Japes, no Quality Quidditch, I don't even know if Quidditch has been invented yet, I know Helga never said anything when she saw my broom. I'll have to take it out and fly soon. It's been too long and I've been too busy, I think I need to make time. As relaxing as my Sundays can be I think I need to cut down on the constant work and give myself a bit of time off. Maybe start tracking on my own just for a walk to clear my head I could actually try tracking on a broom! Not sure my eyesight's up to it but I could certainly cover more ground. It's one of the things I'm looking forward too about the transformation, aside the connection to Dad and Sirius obviously, the fact that the transformation causes physical changes to the human senses and physical attributes more in keeping with the animal. Of course it's little mentioned but noted in one of the books I read, that the opposite is true as well, and given enough time in the form, the animal adopts human attributes that improve its own physical characteristics. Most common is intelligence, this is obviously expected as it's still a human mind in the animal's body but I think McGonagall as a cat may have noticed her cat forms back legs get more powerful, or her front legs more dextrous.

I'm fairly pleased with the results of the shopping actually being so few shops I was able to cover quite a lot of ground and I hope people will be happy with what I got them. Everything is kind of practical, but in this lifestyle I figure it's probably more useful.

One other thing I did manage to do was training with the spear and the swordstaff, they had me transfigure the staff into both and see how they felt. I liked the spear a lot but there was something about the swordstaff that really appealed. I actually ended up transfiguring it again so the staff had a spear at the bottom and sword at the top. The thing was lethal and fantastic. Obviously sparring with it was dangerous but having charmed the edges blunt practicing my forms was a whole lot more exciting.

December 16th

Well Ogham's finished and we're moving on to Nubian and Bantu after Christmas, apparently they were a speciality of Leola's teacher, not especially complicated but a lot of fun. Some of the specific enchantments sound incredibly useful as well, there's one for water purification, one for increased water production, one for easing plant growth. In contrast to the Runes themselves the enchantments are rather complex, they're also temperamental and prone too failing after a few years.

This is largely because they are not compatible with a gemstone base, and unless the bones of one of the truly powerful magical creatures are used as the base for Rune carving the magic eventually fades. Even worse in that part of the world there are no Dragons, Griffins hardly ever fly there, no one will ever get the bones of a Phoenix, Basilisks are too rare, Unicorns won't set foot in such a warm climate and Sphinxes won't go south of the Sahara. That leaves a Tebo which will last a few years longer than most but will fade, a Runespoor which are hardly abundant and a Nundu which no one has a hope of killing.

I'm really looking forward to the enchantment lessons even after that little rant, I think the whole issues with compatibility of various enchantments and wards with different materials, and even creatures. Makes me wonder how hard properly enchanting a weapon will be. First there's the metal or alloy then the wood or some other base material then there's the base for enchantment. Is it a gemstone or animal bones or other parts? Which enchantments can you put on it with the base materials you have? Have the necessary rune sets and grounding rune sets been put together and tested?

Leola is showing me some enchantments with Ogham and Futhark families this week. I really can't wait to get started with that and wards.

Spell casting study is going more slowly without Charms. I'm doing some reading into Charms not covered by OWLs and NEWTs. Some are good but time is a factor.

Weapons wise I've been practicing with my transfigured swordstaff-spear thing this week. The balance of the thing is off but some of the movements I can do with it! I scared Hector a couple of times when it was his sparring session.

The forge has got interesting as well. I had been largely doing manual labour, just hitting things with hammers and pouring molten metal into moulds, now though I'm finding out about making different alloys and the various types of steel, it's much more academic. A nice change of pace really. It makes me think I'll actually be able to do stuff myself someday rather than people pointing and telling me what to do when I'm in there.

I introduced the idea of Christmas decorations as well. The ladies rather like the tree and decorating it today turned into good Transfiguration practice for the three of us. Each of us tried to outdo the other. Me and Helga were stumped when Leola involved animating charms and we ended up with a choir of angels circling the top. I haven't studied the right charms yet and Helga just isn't as skilled as her mother as it all ended up making the thing look better though it all worked out.

December 23rd

The forge was closed up today. The fire will be kept going it's a bitch to relight once out apparently. I of course thought back to my 11th birthday and Hagrid in the cabin with his umbrella. When I asked why not use magic to light the fire again, the look I got from Gerhalt! I'm not entirely sure anyone's ever had more disappointment etched on their face at any one time.

It turns out that one thing I should have picked up is that magic and metalwork do not mix. All magic should be kept outside the forge. It turns out that ambient magic weakens the structural integrity of the metal. It's believed that there are certain spells that actually help the integrity but they seem to be limited to the goblins, though Gerhalt did say when the Vikings came over some years ago there were rumours of unnaturally strong weapons so if I'm interested in it I might have to go to Scandinavia at some point. It's also why Rune work is so important. Gerhalt actually carves runes into a number of his works, he's a bit of a Rune scholar himself it turns out, but Runes are the only way that is widely known for enchanting metal items.

We, that is me and Helga, also answered another question that had bothered me for some time. If you're out of a Potions ingredient why can't you transfigure it from something else?

Helga had obviously never known Transfiguration and I'd never been good enough at Potions so neither of us had been able to find the answers. Until now anyway. Since it's so close to Christmas the pair of us decided our respective lessons should be more relaxed. For Helga that meant experimenting with Potions. We were making the Wit-Sharpening Solution and used transfigured Jobberknoll feathers, due to the explosion we established that that didn't work. I figured maybe it was just that the inherent magic couldn't be replicated, otherwise anyone whose poisoned could transfigure something into a bezoar and be fine, but Potions didn't work when we used transfigured nettles either.

I finally let Helga loose on the Transfiguration section of my library to help me try and find my answer. We discovered it today in a book that looked to be about 800 years old, oddly about 200 years in the future, it was sort of a beginner's book which was somewhat embarrassing but none of my more modern ones touched upon the subject. It took us the best part of the day to interpret it but we decided when you transfigure something you change its physical appearance and characteristics but not its chemical or magical nature.

Between the two of us we manage to distil an explanation we're comfortable with. Transfiguration is like a solid illusion. A wooden match transfigured to a metal needle looks like a metal needle, feels like a metal needle and can be physically used like a metal needle, but fundamentally it's still a wooden match, effectively the molecules that make up the match are looking and acting like metal but neither chemistry nor magic is fooled. Conjuration is the same as it's a fancy term for transfiguring something from air molecules.

The most interesting aspect I found to it is the practical side. As an example a conjured python is useful, a conjured viper isn't as a python can physically squeeze the life out of someone which will kill them, a viper which uses its venom, a chemical toxin to subdue its prey, won't cause the same damage because the venom isn't the right chemical composition to harm someone in the same way.

I almost forgot about the Enchanting! I was too caught up in today's work with Helga, well it seems that Ogham Runes are rather powerful and so work much better for the first level of enchantment, that of Runes only. Using these Runes Leola showed me some of the swords Gerhalt had added to and what they could do, nothing unbelievable, just lightened, kept clean, sharpened and strengthened but we then compared a sword with those in Ogham and those in Elder Futhark. The difference was remarkable. Grounding Rune sets are different and Younger Futhark works rather well, one theory is that it developed purely for that reason. We then moved on to a sword in which the grounding rune sets for each of the equivalent Charms had been added. That sword was probably more effective than the Ogham sword. The final sword was one where the grounding rune set and the Ogham runes were used together, linked by an Elder Futhark seal perfected for the task. That one was brilliant. Even I could tell the handling was great and I know enough about swords in general to be mightily impressed.

As part of my relaxed lesson I brought back the Patronus charm. I know I wrote I was going to try and teach it but I never got round to it. I was sort of distracted by the Halloween issue. The two were entranced with Prongs. I think the fact that Dementors aren't really a threat in Wales at this time makes the need to learn the Charm lower but it's still a cracking bit of magic.

As it happens both got mist their first time and didn't progress that far but I think they're both desperate to continue and we'll probably end up carrying on with it until they both get it.

December 24th

Okay I know I don't often write everyday but Leola's been bouncing about all day. We practiced the Patronus and both are starting to take form, not sure what they are yet but its progress.

More importantly she thinks she might be able to find grounding Runes for a Patronus, an actual physical weapon against a Dementor! It's insanely complicated because it's an emotion powered spell so somehow you need to ground emotion too. Apparently she's been reading about Maori runes and their runes supposedly reflect their nature. In theory that's war-like, in fact it's passionate, that's how she explained it to me. Because the runes reflect passion and the emotions constantly close to the surface, grounding positive emotion may be a distinct possibility!

December 25th

They made me a pensieve! I don't bloody believe it! I have my very own bona fide pensieve! It's beautiful. About the size of Dumbledore's but obsidian rather than granite and the Runes are etched in a silvery-white metal. Gerhalt says it's pretty pure but he doesn't know what it is. I have a funny feeling its Platinum! The thing is stunning. Of course it needed a demonstration. Thinking of a suitable memory was rather difficult, the good ones are almost all at the school Helga hasn't yet founded and doesn't know that she will found, while the majority of the rest are unpleasant. I made the excuse of not wanting to influence the future by letting them know something from it. I showed them me beating Hector with my swordstaff-spear thing last week instead.

That's another thing Helga and Leola made me my pensieve while Hector and Gerhalt gave me a properly made version of my transfigured weapon. It's incredible! 7 feet of metal with a 2 foot long blade curved like an exaggerated Spartan short sword is what Gerhalt said it starts off narrow at the wooden end, about two inches wide or so, then curves out and round to about four inches at its widest point about two thirds of the way along the blade before finishing in a really sharp point. The staff part is four and a half feet long and has an oval shape cross section for aligning the edge of the blade steel about an inch wide on its long axis. Leola got it so its wrapped in unbroken wood, and she carved enchanted it with both the Ogham runes and the Younger Futhark grounding. The bottom has a six inch metal spike for my spear. I honestly don't know which I prefer, the pensieve or my 'bladed staff' as it's now been called.

To be honest I feel inadequate having bought my presents. I got Gerhalt a set of Dragon hide gear to work in the forge, Hector a prototype wizard tent for his tracking hunting and foraging. Helga I got a Silver cauldron she wanted to try some of the more advanced potions and Leola I gave some of the Basilisk ribs for her to carve onto.

I know they all liked what I gave them but honestly they've completely blown me away.

December 26th

Today it all hit the fan. It was just me and Leola pretty much morning till evening. She said something about a Yule tradition that Helga spends one day with her uncle's spoiling her. Not sure I believe it.

And another thing, they don't actually have Christmas. The whole concept of religion is absurd to the whole family as it's a known fact the Egyptian and Greek deities were wizards. No word about Christians but it just didn't hold with the magical community, or it hasn't yet. They do however like the sentiment of the gift giving and showing appreciation for loved ones so have adopted that. I thought maybe Pagan religions were followed but was laughed at for that as well. Apparently paganism was invented by muggles who had a vague idea of the natural world in terms of the seasons, and some rituals they had seen magical people do on the various solstices or on certain planetary alignments. Normally they give gifts on the solstice but let it later to the 25th purely for my benefit.

Anyway back to the problem with Leola, pretty much as soon as they left and sat me down and said she thought of me as a son. I choked up, I had been thinking of her as a surrogate mum for a long time but to hear she thinks the same was better than any other present she could give me. The problem started after that. What was it she said? _'If I'm to be your mother I would and should know all about your life'._ I obviously tensed at that, she had a fair idea about the Dursleys of course from the medical check up but seeing it in the pensieve would be something else.

I gave her two hours or so worth of Dursley memories, a bit of the cupboard, the cleaning, the cooking, the gardening, the meal sizes and general treatment. I tried to get away without showing her the beatings but she gave me a look. It was one I'd seen Mrs Weasley give the twins when she knew they were keeping something back. I didn't let her see much. A bit of Harry hunting, one time with Petunia and the frying pan, the thing with Marge and Ripper, and Vernon with his fists once. I didn't really need to show more. She knew they happened and I know she knew. She held me afterwards. I was crying from the looks of things I'm not sure she could cry anymore.

It's odd, it's kind of ingrained into me that my childhood really could have been worse. I DID eat, I DID have shelter, at least I wasn't on the streets that sort of thing. Particularly having come back to this time and seen how some kids have to live now. But to lay it all out there like that and have an outsider say it isn't right, that there worse than any animals, validated isn't the right word because as I say I never thought of it as being especially bad, despite being a poster child for abused kids. It's more like my hearts eased because someone has let me know it was wrong.

It was after lunch, I cooked, first time since I've been here actually. I enjoyed it. Doing it because I want rather than have to, it's an important distinction. Very important. It was then Leola wanted to see my first year at school. How do you then explain to a mother that her currently fourteen year old daughter's name will still be known in a thousand years? That you were sent back not to some arbitrary point to meet Leola as an Enchantress who can train you but to meet her daughter as a Founder of your future school?

She was livid. Partly with me for interfering with her daughter's life, it was fine to place the demands on her shoulders but her daughter's was something else. I left the room for the woods outside. It was a hissy fit. An understandable one I reckon. It hurt, the woman had just said she wanted to be my mother, then the minute something happened to impact her REAL child's life all she was focused on was that.

It was two hours later I heard her shouting for me. Her voice sounded kind of hoarse. She'd been doing it for a while. Her face when I got down from the tree I was sitting in and I looked at her was something else. I had thought I was done crying for the day but I wasn't. I've never been a big crier, it wasn't exactly encouraged in my childhood, but seeing Leola like that so upset, with herself for handling it badly and distraught that I wasn't around her, to say it felt good is a bit weird and I feel guilty knowing it felt good to see her distraught for having hurt me. I'm trying to rationalise it. I think it's okay because I'm not happy she's hurting just about what it means about her feelings for me.

Leola never got to see the Hogwart's years, she's kicking them out tomorrow as well and we'll do it then.

December 27th

It's lunch time at the minute. I've got some time because Leola's had to go out and get some air. The Basilisk was a shock despite me telling her how big it was, even despite her using its skeleton for rune carving. Truth be told I was surprised. I'm bigger now, I thought it as a perspective thing but no, the damn thing's massive. I can tell she's fuming about Dumbledore as well. Looking back now when I've grown a bit there are far too many questions. They'll have to wait though, almost twenty years I think.

Well she's seen the rest. I think we're going to talk about it tomorrow. She seems rather upset and particularly angry at the moment. I can hear things being blown up outside.

The worst for me was Sirius I think. Every now and again it hits me. I've read bits of this journal back and even I think it seems like I've not grieved enough for Sirius, or even Cedric, last year certainly didn't help me get over anything. To be honest I've grown to be good at repressing emotion. Not a surprise obviously but it was no help dealing with the last year. Year and a half I guess. I've not talked about sculpting for a while. Truth is I just finished Remus and still couldn't face Sirius. I think I'm ready.

December 28th

I think it's a tossup who Leola hates more, Voldemort, the Dursley's, Dumbledore or Snape. It's borderline for me too. The first two more than the last two certainly but it's closer than I would have thought, for Dumbledore anyway, Snape's always been a wildcard, what kind of petty, ridiculous, small-minded fucker decides to take out all his insecurities on children in general and the son of a childhood rival in particular? No doubt Dumbledore what have some excuse; 'he had a difficult childhood', 'he is still coming to terms with his inner demons', 'the pressure of his duties as a spy'. Bottom line is he's an insignificant shit. Worst of it is he can read minds, he knows I wasn't some pampered, pompous little arsewipe but still decides it's a good idea to treat me like some Gryffindor version of Malfoy. Of course it was looking back with Leola that put it all in perspective. I expected teacher's like Snape at the new school because that's what the teacher's in primary school had been like. The Dursley's always got to them first, covering their own backs in case I ever said anything probably. I'm not looking forward to seeing the man again, Leola even mentioned something about if Helga's a Founder can I get her to put some sort of stipulation into the school constitution allowing me to sack him. She said the same about Dumbledore.

I've got so many questions for him now. I need to right them here to remember them, we came up with a hell of a list.

Mrs Figg – Was she completely useless or did he just not believe anything she said?

Was there no kind of vetting system in place for the Dursleys? Child abuse is known about even now. The communities quickly put a stop to it but its known. How can someone who has been teaching for so long have never come across abused children and just arbitrarily assume people will treat children well?

Was it all part of a grand plan to make me tougher or somehow absolve himself from blame with Riddle?

First year – The lack of information at the beginning of the year, was it on purpose?

It's rather convenient Hagrid mentioned every single 'bad' wizard is from Slytherin. Blatant lie – and it conveniently forgets my Godfather who was evil at the time.

I'd have thought the Weasley's might be a set up, but even if it was they have been nothing but good to me. It's still worth asking though.

It's rather convenient that Voldemort happens to be possessing a teacher, who happens to be after a precious artefact which happens to be there my first year at the school.

Second year – I can understand a first year girl falling through the cracks but the Slytherin – Snake – Basilisk thing is a bit obvious looking back. And help with the Heir of Slytherin rumours? Would it have been too much to ask?

Third year – I know there's a 'mass murderer' after a particular student. Let's not tell him. Oh and he's the student's Godfather who as 'Head of the Wizengamot' we didn't give a trial to. I'm not sure what the Head of the Wizengamot's powers are but asking for a trial for a prisoner seems like a feasible one.

Fourth year – Where to begin; Starting up the tournament, while commendable was obviously a recipe for disaster. Someone impersonating your best friend for a year and never making a mistake? The age line incident? Seriously no guardian or watcher for the cup? Once everyone was having a go at me and he did nothing despite knowing I didn't do it. Seeing Cedric die and doing nothing to help me get over it. Yeah it shouldn't necessarily be his responsibility but he took it upon himself to cut me off from everyone. Fudge denying Voldemort is back – err hello Veritaserum and a pensieve – show the memory, question under truth serum did this memory happen.

Fifth year – The trial – pensieve and Veritaserum, Umbridge how in seven hells did she get anywhere near a classroom? The most interesting though – It took three hours for us to get to London on Thestrals. What exactly was going on during that time? Snape knew where we were going and what we going to be doing, an adult can be there in seconds, what the hell was going on? Sirius died and he chose then to tell me I have to kill or be killed? What was that supposed to achieve?

The kicker of course is the whole Prophecy thing. Everything is based on the prophecy. How sad is it that the course of my life is determined by Sybill Trelawney? This prophecy can be determined in a ridiculous number of different ways. Me and Leola went through a few of them, but then assuming it does mean me. Questions:

The prophecy never says I will be for the light why leave me be and assume I'll be fine? All it really suggests is that I'll be powerful.

I need to win a fight against an extremely powerful dark lord. Why is it I have to take it upon myself to get some training, before I even know about the prophecy?

'The power he knows not' could be anything. Why have I not be encouraged to try more obscure branches of magic. In fact why have I been allowed to coast along like I was?

The most important one for me is why I have never known anything about my family. The Potters were great with Transfiguration, Charms and Runes, had an affinity for stonework, hence natural enchanters and warders. That took a few seconds to write, less to say, and I know more about my family than anyone has ever actually told me. All I know is my dad was great at Transfiguration and was a prankster and a bit of a git when younger, my mum was lovely and great at Charms and Potions. Thats it. The bearded twat has a lot to answer for.

Leola's now completely with me and what I want to do though and understands more about my Ginny issues now that she's seen the conversation. The Room of Requirement Helga conversation was incredible for her as well. I left that out yesterday as I don't think either of us was in a fit state to see it.

Once we'd sorted the Dumbledore questions we sat down and decided to re-establish what I was doing and how the training was going. Came up with a rather crazy schedule not too dissimilar to the current one.

5.30 – Get up, Get washed, Get breakfast

6.30 – Forge with Gerhalt – It builds up muscle and the repetition allows me to get my head to straight

9.30 – Things for the house – Masonry work once plans are sorted, then amenities, utilities and furniture

11.30 – Weapons training – Helps speed and agility. Work with hatchets and bladed staff. Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy magic.

13.00 – Lunch

14.00 – Hunting/Tracking/Herbology/Creatures – A bit of everything for a rounded education

16.00 – Charms – I'm expected to progress rather rapidly in the area and by this time next year will be well beyond NEWT level. The way I'm going I'm supposed to come across some big 'Eureka' moment or so I'm told. Personally I don't have a clue what she's on about. Some of the time building the house will also be spent on the necessary Charms and as a further introduction to enchanting and warding.

17.00 – Runes – Keeping going till I'm done with all she knows. Also continuing to serve as Enchanting basics since lessons are still based around practical application.

18.00 – Potions – Not my gift but as part of the rounded education thing it helps plus I enjoy the time with Helga.

19.00 – Dinner

20.00 – Transfiguration – Everyone progressing nicely. I actually think we're all nearly done with the practical side up to NEWT level. Helga is better than me. Leola is too I think, all told though once the theory is grasped, notably the bit about focus and understanding what you're doing, the whole physical illusion aspect, it becomes much easier. The inbuilt animation and/or compulsion charms for animate transfigurations is an interesting sub-section but everyone is doing well with it. I actually think that we'll be as far on as the Potter library allows by this time next year.

21.00 – Defence – Same as Transfiguration, though it's me who is the best followed by Leola then Helga. Again by next Christmas, as far on as the Library allows. Leola thinks we should start training in duelling/fighting soon. It's a good idea. Maybe on Sundays once we have the Animagus process sorted.

22.00 – Animagus – I think now that Leola has seen why it's so important to me she is even more supportive of the process. That and the difference it can make physically in terms of senses and attributes.

The new schedule didn't make that much difference though. What's really made me happy is the brain storming Leola did for things she can do to help. Honestly all I can think is that she was a generation too late to be involved in the founding because she's a genius, maybe the 'chucked out' of her family thing barred her from serious involvement first time around, because she's too good not to play any part in a school.

We actually decided, or in this case I told her and she sort of agreed, that the most important thing is to look at Wards and Enchantments that can be put in to stonework. Obviously looking at it now will mean that the home we're building will be well protected, but long term the building of Hogwarts and its wards can only be improved. We also thought about the spells needed for the Room of Requirement. That will take bucket loads of work so Leola and I might end up doing some of it on our down time.

She's also taking it upon herself to work out the grounding Rune sets for some of the more complex and/or powerful spells we know of for both ward and weapon purposes. I know for a fact she's already looking for the Patronus ones, but now she's going for some of the stonework spells; the cutter, gouger and vice. All are rather nasty, the vice is the surprising one for me, I tried it on Leola when we were experimenting today thinking it might work like an obscure bodybind with a rare counter. It's incredible. It's like the bind but there is pressure all over your body squeezing you as well and you struggle to breathe. I think it might become like a signature spell of mine.

December 30th

Leola decided not to say anything to the others about the future. I don't like lying to the people here but it must be even worse for her. I made a promise that the second there is a school in the works I'll tell Helga everything I can.

We're still not back on the schedule, Leola and Helga have decided to use my memories to design a house. Luckily there were a few school trips to historical sites in primary school. I don't think living in a medieval replica of the Dursleys would do anything good for my psyche.

Instead the past few days I finally started working on my sculpture of Sirius. It's not finished yet but it's getting there. I want to do my Mum and Dad as well but I really don't know how to go about it. I've got pictures I can work off but no memories really, apart from my Mum being killed but I don't think that will be an especially good place for me to start from. Maybe a larger sculpture of Prongs, Padfoot and Moony. Possibly with a doe or a Lily involved.

The rest of my time I went to the tavern with Gerhalt and Hector. I've not really let loose with a drink since the incident with Helga. It was good though, Gerhalt flirting, Hector whoring and me sitting back and taking it in. One or two of the wenches there were eyeing me for a possible customer but I'm not interested. Well I kind of am but it doesn't seem right, the paying for it part and honestly I'm starting to realise what a big deal virginity is in magic. All kinds of rituals require virgins not just dark ones. Admittedly the dark ones make the idea of losing it just to avoid them seem reasonable but it seems like a waste, something that shouldn't be wasted with a prostitute.


	8. January 933AD

Disclaimer - From this point on can I please just assume you're that none of this belong to me? Cheers.

* * *

January 2nd 933AD

First day on the new schedule and really nothing's changed. Spent what was the Potter book time practicing the stone cutting and shaping along with fusing the stones together, we won't be needing any sort of mortar, I'll do this practice once a week, another practice carving the right Runes into each of the stones, Runes for climate control, cleaning, strengthening and Impervious, for the outer walls at least, along with a Rune set linking to what will be the primary wardstone and a simple anti-intruder ward that when layered together so heavily will become extremely formidable. The rest of the time I'll be studying fifth year Charms until the plans are complete.

January 6th

Okay I'm not sure what I've got myself into. Leola and Helga have been going on and on about Tudor style houses all week. The fact that I can work with stone but not wood hasn't made too much difference. Personally I think it's all getting a little bit too fancy. I appreciate coziness and warmth, function and comfort. But hey I'm the one sculpting the thing, maybe I can subvert it slightly.

Transfiguration continues to get easier, it takes me a bit longer than Helga to do stuff, really she's pretty much surpassed me now, knows what I know but that bit quicker at using it.

We've not started duelling yet maybe I can reinstate my preeminent status with a wand there.

Charms is flying by, I think fifth year is going to be done quickly and I can hopefully get into the new stuff fairly soon.

Potions. I really wished I liked it more. I like Herbology, love Magical Creatures, understand some of the little nuances of both but I just don't appreciate Potions. I love the time with Helga though. I can brew reasonably but it just isn't that enjoyable for me as a subject. I can't even say it's because it's slow because I love Runes. It has to be Snape.

Most exciting thing for me this week is using my bladed staff. The weight is unusual and takes some getting used to but as a whole it just feels right. I've been practicing the basics again this week just to get used to it.

I got rather upset Friday though. Gerhalt and Hector were sparing with staffs. I'd never actually seen them do it before. They were jaw dropping. I thought I was good and getting close to their level but they're miles ahead and just playing down to me. Gerhalt was about strength and beating Hector down whereas Hector was all about movement. It seemed much more like Martial Arts Hector's style and i could barely see the staff at times. When I called them on it they did explain that the best way to learn was fighting someone slightly better than you so they do fight at just above my level. They did say I'm improving faster than they ever did but it still feels like a kick in the teeth.

January 11th

Ha! Hector felt guilty deceiving me about the weapons so had me fight Gerhalt full out me with Hatchets Gerhalt with the staff. We called it a tie after 10 minutes. I'll be honest and say they were slightly generous and that I couldn't have lasted much longer but I was still in the fight! And I've looked back on it in the pensieve and Gerhalt really was going all out.

January 13th

Well now the girls are all about stonework and like the Greek style. Still seems a bit poncey to me, all those columns but at least they're trying to use the right material.

Remade the Potion I did for OWLs this week. I know I came out of the practical exam thinking I had a chance of an O. I don't.

But that's by the by, Warder / Enchanter / Curse Breaker / Fighter / Teacher / Smith / Stone Mason are my professions. Auror isn't one of them.

January 20th

The girls are no longer talking openly about their plans, we will see them when their ready.

Finally learnt the Portkey spell this week. I've been avoiding it due to the unfortunate history I have with them but we need a way to get stone for the house back from the quarry.

If I'm honest with myself I'm feeling slightly bored. There is no life or death battle brewing this year and I'm spending almost all of my time with the same four people. Maybe I should start heading to the tavern more often, once a week or so. I can apparate us there, even make a portkey back so we get here safely. Something to think about.

January 27th

Motoring through the wand work now. It's quite embarrassing just how easy some of the sixth and seventh year stuff is for Defence especially. Maybe it's because I'm not re-learning anything and getting out of bad habits. I had thought that would slow the learning down but now I don't know.

I carried on reading through this journal before. I had started it intending it to be a comment on daily life in the dark – middle ages. But looking through it, it hasn't turned out like that at all, it's more like documentary evidence of my improvements magically, emotionally, mentally and physically. It's cathartic really. I guess that's why Ginny told me to write it. I needed to help open up and it needs me to write them down to do it. No specific person can do it for me. Maybe I started doing this in her timeline and she sped up the process. I'm just glad I have the pensieve now so I can remember all the fantastic insignificant little details. The bit when we were on the scouting trip and Hector ended up in the river, the practice duel where I ended up with an arm shrivelled like a T-rex's, the huge furry and pointy ears like a lynx I gave Helga in return. I wish that pensieves didn't remove your memories but take a copy of them because I think I'd like to permanently keep the good memories in there to dive into.


	9. February 933AD

February 9th

Wow! Women are ludicrous. I didn't get my usual Sunday off last week because they had finished designing the house and they wanted me to get started. This is more or less the first moment I had to myself. All lessons but weapon and Forge time were cancelled and Forge time only because I'm trying to explain the concept of water pipes and we started making the things so they can be put in with the foundations.

In fairness to them it's beautiful. Eccentric, unique, warm, inviting, comfortable, functional all of the above and still they want some incredibly intricate carving done. But that's only after the damn foundations. I thought I'd be shifting and shaping great big stones pretty quickly but no. Hector's got the perfect place to build, luckily it's still our land, but it needs clearing and draining, so for the week I've been lopping down trees and putting them in a make shift barn so that Hector can start doing the flooring. Wood all the way I've been told.

The house looks odd really. Three stories but with a sprawling basement and three different sets of staircases, one far right, one far left and one at the back but central. The main door is going to open into a hallway a couple of metres wide which goes past the formal dining hall on the left and a formal sitting room, a large library and the huge kitchen sticking out on the back right corner. The house is anything but symmetrical and though built on much sounder lines it bears a passing resemblance to the Burrow.

The first floor there was room for a more informal living area this time on the right hand side which will be completely open to the far right staircase. The left side of the main central corridor is going to be a large bathroom and shower which I know Helga is desperate to try as well as two bedroom suites, which have both a bedroom and a study room.

The second floor is going to house four en suite bedrooms with study rooms and will be the only access point for the left hand staircase which will lead to a round tower another two stories high. My tower. The rooms in it will be similar in size to the bedrooms of the other suites with the upper floor being the bedroom and the lower having a bathroom and workshop rather than study and will be the place Leola and I will work on Wards and Enchanting things. The bedroom floor will also have a door that opens out onto a wide-ish balcony that goes all the way around the tower and the tower will have a modern slanted roof like the rest of the house rather than be turreted. Its immense.

The best thing about it though will be the basement. It's going to have a huge carpentry workshop on the right side running the length of the house accessible by the right hand staircase and a wide access hatch for feeding wood into. The back staircase leads to another room; an absolutely enormous Potions lab. Helga is clearly being exceptionally generous to herself. The left staircase will lead down to a duelling room suitable for both magical and non-magical training. This room comes of a corridor which leads to a forge which is ostensibly in a separate building.

All in all, if done right, the house will be stunning, functional, comfortable, quirky and completely ahead of its time. I love it.

February 16th.

Proper scheduling has resumed! I'd like to say the house is beginning to take shape but it really isn't. We've finished digging in the foundations for the forge and now we're partway along the connecting corridor.

On a brighter note. Finished fifth year Charms, now it's all new stuff! New rune sets might not be too long either, Bantu is almost finished and soon I'll be looking at the more complex Nubian runes.

The best thing though is the animagus transformation. There is no increase i the tingling or connection but whenever I try and meditate to find it it takes no more than seconds and stays with me all through the session. It's just a shame I can't do anything else yet. I've been discussing it with Helga and neither of us is sure what to do. Both of us have been meditating on increasing the magical core connection, and on the animal side but no more progress other than in the frequency of connection.


	10. March 933AD

March 9th

Sadists! Thought it was just the women but no. Gerhalt and Hector have been inspired. Hector by the flooring making him go into carpentry again in a big way, and Gerhalt trying to fit together all the necessary pipes within the designs the girls came up with for the water supply and then there is the side issue about the gas stove he wants me to resolve. Nightmare. I'd be fuming if I didn't love the whole thing.

There are all sorts of other stuff we're trying to consider as well like the extra wards that need to be built into the duelling room and the then we have to make sure the Forge is structurally sound without magic anywhere near it so there are no wards on it and we had to re-dig the foundations and lay it all again – by hand. That took best part of a week in itself and my Sundays are fast disappearing as time to do with as I please.


	11. April 933AD

April 3rd

Foundations are now finished. Woohoo! Now we start the basement walls. I say we. It is me Leola does a lot of the Rune carving, Helga is trying to learn the cutting and shaping spell, but it just comes easier to me and she definitely can't do the fusing spells. It's definitely me limiting the speed we can go but realistically I can only do two or three hours a day and hope to continue the rest of the training.

April 14th

I actually have time to write this week. I can barely believe it! The basement walls are taking shape now. There have been a couple of huge downpours though. It's good that putting the impervious enchantment onto each stone became standard otherwise it would take ages for the things to dry out.

April 17th

Get in! Animagus breakthrough! Finally! I was weapons training with Hector and the bladed staff when I zoned out a little bit and suddenly felt the tingle and connection. I was carrying on and suddenly felt faster, more agile, basically had a much greater predator instinct. Suddenly I was on the front foot, Hector's still better than I was but I took him by surprise and clobbered him. Hector maintains he was distracted because there was an odd light flair from my body, silvery-grey, black and green. Just for a millisecond. I feel much closer to my magic now and I've been feeling it flow around all day, just slightly. Helga isn't happy I beat her to it but she's pleased one of us made the next step. I think it's about needing to let your magic and animal instincts take over.

April 21st

Yes it's definitely about letting the instincts take over. Helga was struggling so today she made us take time off from the house to fight, me with hatchets her with daggers.

I know what Hector meant about distracting, the black, white and honey-yellow flash freaked me out.

The walls for the corridors are mostly done, apart from the forge ones. We might end up leaving the forge part and doing it more slowly but at least finishing the house. Maybe we could just do it with magic and let it sit there for a few years and the residual magic can dissipate before it gets used properly. At least the carpentry room is easy we'll probably do that next after the corridors. Leola and I still have some things to work out with the wards for the other two.

Sixth year Charms are finished, some of the practical stuff, like the animation charms we could use in building to make things easier, same with Transfiguration, large inanimate (mineral) to animate (animal – various size and type). To be honest we can happily keep with the shifting stone to the right place through Transfiguration and only really have human transfiguration left to practice.

I was right about magic being easier as well, that bit more power is clearly there. Hit Helga with 'the vice' earlier in a duel. She tried to kick me in the cods in retaliation. Lucky the agilities improved a touch as well.

April 28th

It's been decided to do the forge more slowly and concentrate on the rest of the house for now. I've found a new favourite thing to sculpt though and the archways that are there to help support the roof are mine to do with what I will, hence a general stag and lily motif starting to appear throughout the house. I've also been told to make sure there are badger's, alphyn's and oak motif's as well. Leola closely associates her late husband and Helga's mother with the tree. I'm only too happy to oblige. Best of all, to my mind, is that Leola privately took both the animagus potion and underwent the totem ritual. I'm too involve a winged boar somehow.


	12. May 933AD

May 19th

It's been awhile. I've been ridiculously busy with the house the corridor's in the basement are done, the duelling room and Potions rooms are half way done. We decided just to add a few stronger of the stronger duelling wards we found into the stones along with a separate linking Rune set as well to be linked to another wardstone for the duelling room. We've done the same for the Potions room as well on the off chance that Helga causes an explosion.

May 27th

Well that's me done NEWT level Defence. I can honestly say I'm concerned with how easy it was. If they think that training makes you qualified I'm rather appalled. We're going to be doing human transfiguration with the extra time since we're so close to the end of the Transfiguration curriculum.


	13. June 933AD

June 2nd

Well basement is completely finished and now we're concentrating on the on the exterior of the house. Not a lot managed so far but it's only been a couple of days.

The Animagus stuff is getting easier. The feeling is starting to come when I think about it, at least when I'm concentrating on it. The physical stuff is getting better as well, I'm getting very slightly stronger, very slightly faster, very slightly more agile, it's not an enormous difference but it's a lot faster than I was improving before. There's no difference with the senses yet, at least not that I've noticed anyway.

June 4th 933AD

My travel anniversary. The day I finished NEWT transfiguration. Today has been good. We had a very good meal. Went to the tavern for a bit. We didn't do anything to the house today and I feel a bit guilty about it but we used the time to go through the final spells on the Transfiguration curriculum so we didn't have to do it this evening, so too forge and weapons time. Afternoon was all in the Tavern, this evening we've been using the Pensieve, reviewing the past year, each showing our best moments. I don't think I've ever felt more like I belonged.

June 9th

The extra time from Transfiguration is being put towards Charms aiming to finish it before the Summer Solstice and the ritual. I'd sort of forgotten about the ritual or at least decided not to think about. I'm fairly sure I'll be okay, the prophecy and _either must die at the hands of the other_, suggests I'll be okay. It doesn't say it won't hurt though.

Thing is I'm now an extremely physically fit 5 foot 6 now, a thin and wiry 5 foot 6. A little weedy looking even if I'm surprisingly strong now.

Managed to spend a bit longer on Runes than usual this week as well. Well into Greek now. Nubian is scary powerful, up with Ogham but less complex. There is less you can do with it as well but what you can is immense. From what I've seen, I think to ground some of the power spells some combination of Nubian and Ogham runes will be needed. Just don't have time to experiment yet though.

June 15th

Charms is now done to NEWT level as well. From now on we'll be looking at spells for specific tasks. At least while the house is being done. Some more practical things like cooking and bed-making Charms as well, things that just make everything that little bit easier.

June 17th

Greek Runes now done leaves just Cuneiform, Sanskrit and Sino-Tibetan of the ones Leola knew to start with. It seems like everything coming to the end ready for the Solstice.

June 20th

Past three days have been manic. Everyone is nervous and no one wants to say anything about it. I've seen the looks from them all, and the concern. It's comforting really despite being rather annoying.

I suppose I'm nervous too. I've never heard of the ritual. I've only just found out how much time Helga has been spending on this Potion. It does make me wonder if it's worth it really.

I've tried to put all my nervous energy into the house. I think I've succeeded. The external walls are up to more than midway through the second floor, along with part of the internal walls up to around waist height on the ground floor. I also managed to leave a pile cut stones yet to be carved, for Leola to deal with while I'm recovering from the ritual.


	14. July 933AD

July 3rd

What the hell happened? I really have no idea what went on but I've seen it in the pensieve and its rather disconcerting. I was sat in the ritual circle and covered in runes Leola had drawn all over me. I drink this Potion as the sun comes up and Leola Helga and the old healer start chanting. I'm out of it now but I'm suspended parallel to the ground about two or three feet above it, head height for the three women who are sitting outside the circle and chanting.

Next I can see my body stretching, in a funny order as well, from the outside in, fingers and toes first. It looks exceptionally painful but once each bits done I look better, this is all being done during the time it takes for the sun to move fully past the horizon. By the time it gets past my chest and towards my head I look to be about 5 foot 11. A lean, fit looking 5 foot 11. Since the bones in my skull haven't been fixed, I'm expecting this to look painful. It does. Until it gets to my scar. Even though I was unconscious I screamed. My body wasn't shaking so much as vibrating. The chanting became harsher, almost as if all three had to fight to get the words out, the runes drawn on me actually started smoking slightly and slowly, very slowly a thick tar like thing surrounded by a sickly green glow was being torn from my forehead.

Watching it second-hand was surreal and nerve-wracking in spite of knowing it ends well. The thing that was being extracted suddenly sprang free and was rocketing around the ritual circle, ricocheting off the shields, you could almost hear it snarling at the three women who were sweating and shouting now with voices painful and harsh. As the sun was about to complete its rise above the horizon, the green-black tar shot upward and away from me and the three witches seeming to give up on them as targets. The second the sun was fully visible the shields within the circle collapsed, so too did the elderly healer and Leola and Helga appeared to be out on their feet.

I later found they managed to get both of us back here before surrendering to sleep themselves. The three witches woke the next day. I was out of it until this morning. It's weird, I'm now a shade under 6 foot, my muscles look a bit stretched they're not as toned as they were as they're stretched a bit thinner but they're healthier. I feel both weaker and better than I've ever been.

My head and the scar are craziest thing. The scar is just that now, back to what it was before Hogwarts, not the seeping, throbbing, red monstrosity it had been at times. My head feels lighter, and a pressure feels like it's been taken away. I feel like me, a person, not a freak. I half thought there may have been some sort of impact on my magic, more power, or less power or more in tune with me or something but no. The magic I've been using is all mine as is my skill with it.

The thing that worries me is whatever the thing that was removed was, and more particularly where it went.

July 4th

I'm not up to properly moving around so no forge, house or weapons training for me. In fact it's back to the original schedule, 3 and a half hours each of Charms, Transfiguration, Defence and Runes. Of course the wanded magic today was all practice and repetition for the wand movement form and accuracy of casting.

July 7th

How guilty do I feel! I cooked today using Charms, a beautiful baked salmon. Nice if I do say so myself, a localised overpowered warming charm baked it, some foraged herbs and boiled potatoes. I know all the charms to do it now. Turn out Helga and Leola had been doing all the work for the past year. I don't know who I thought was making the food but it seemed to appear, turns out everyone had been chipping in but me. No more!

I've been up and about a bit, I think I'll be back to doing the house next week. At least Helga and Leola have kept busy designing the various support archways, and a rather nice looking entry way of a sculpted oak stone doorway.

July 14th

Yep feeling good this week the house is looking good too. I've been using the forge, weapons, and hunting/Herbology time to do the house since it's less physically taxing. As a result we should be putting a roof on the main bit of the house soon, my tower is close to being done, the outside of it, the internal walls and floors need doing, so too the pipes and wooden flooring and the like all through the house.

July 15th

Okay. Balance with the staff was completely off, over extending on everything and got battered, the strength just isn't there to go with the frame yet so the stamina was shot. I also felt better than I ever have. Twinges weren't there, the feeling of a limit to how fast I could be, how strong I could get wasn't there. The movements I was doing were jerky and I felt I was over reaching at points but the potential for increased fluidity I suppose was there.

Need to spend some serious time banging stuff in the forge as well. The muscles just aren't there any more, or because they're stretched and dealing with longer joints they're not toned. It's almost like back to the drawing board but the skills are already in place.

Once I'm back on form I think Hector fancies doing another trip again, maybe a few weeks this time, possibly to somewhere with a greater concentration of magical plants and animals, or at least different ones. Last time we learnt an absurd amount about astronomy and no doubt Helga and Hector will team up to teach me about the animals and plants, I told Helga about the concept of a greenhouse. At least she's taking it upon herself to work out how to deal with glass magically, should help us with windows for the main house. The way things are going I'd like the exterior of the house watertight by mid September.

July 18th

That dumb girl! She's been holding out on me! It turns out that while I was completely out of it our dear Helga made the next breakthrough in the animagus process and aligned her core with her animal spirit. All she has left is the partial transfigurations to cement the two together and then she can move on to the full process.

She was scared of telling me since the process is 'my baby' and she wouldn't have dreamed of it without me being here. Stupid girl. I can't same I'm not disappointed but that's because it turns out I can be rather competitive. It's not like I'm not making any progress.

July 21st

Progress feels like it's stalled a bit on the house front because I'm back to a two or three hours a day rather than the seven or eight. But we're starting the roof now. It's being held in place by magic at the moment but it will have support beams and arches once the interior gets done.

I'm just hoping for progress with the animagus transformation soon. I feel like I could start the transfiguration steps now but Helga says there's something like another flash first, or she had one.

Magic wise things continue to get easier. The transfiguration is becoming slow but second nature, we're studying the effects of different wand movements, on things like size of final product, the detail it can go to, the various compulsion charms that anything transfigured into an animal has on it, I actually managed to transfigure something into a stag that acted like a wolf yesterday. As strange as it sounds it's really helped with Charms, the various wand movements are almost second nature now.

Potions is better, we're just at NEWT level now and the Potions take a few days at least. That actually helps because we have more time to discuss what's going on with each as well as the various plant and creature parts involved. It'll never be my favourite or my best subject but I'm getting past the whole Snape is a twat therefore I suck at Potions mindset.

Rune wise, we're pretty much at the end of Cuneiform. The extra time from being laid up means we got pretty far ahead. Cuneiform is surprisingly aggressive. It seems the Sumerians and Babylonians and Persians put together an awful lot of rather nasty stuff. I'm not sure they used magic in the same way we do so most of it would have been wandless or required careful long term planning. They've got one rune set that causes an explosion on impact. 6000BC and they were making bombs.

July 28th

The screams all through this week have almost put me off the animagus process. The transfiguration step is not exactly pain free and won't be until the full transformation is done, but it can't be done until each part of the body has been individually transformed to its animal counterpart. I hope it's just that Helga has a low pain threshold but I know it's not true.

The main roof is finished so I'm going to be doing my tower this week. After that Helga is sorting out windows, Hector is sorting out doors Gerhalt and occasionally me are doing the pipes and Leola is still doggedly working her way through all the enchanting work.

I feel a lot better now that I'm helping with food. I can't believe none of them said anything. I know my uncle always called me a freeloader but t actually be one leaves a bit of a sour taste.


	15. August 933AD

August 1st

I had my animagus breakthrough today. I was up earlier than usual. I don't know why, I just couldn't sleep but I watched the sunrise, there was dew on the grass, and the kind of mist you expect in April and May. The next thing I know I'm breathing it all in deeply and I fall into the meditative trance. The things start to become clearer. For a brief second it's as if I can see the magic all around me, I think I passed out for a second.

I knew I was ready for the next step unfortunately I only had time this evening before bed. It hurt. It was feeling my through the magic to turn my left index finger to a single claw. It hurt rather a lot. I'll have to give it a few days but I think next time I'll go for the whole hand, it'll hurt more but will get it out of the way.

August 4th

I've done the whole left arm now. Helga said I rushed it and I think she might be right. Tomorrow I'm going to do each toe and each of the fingers on my right hand. It's probably a bit fast but at least if I stick to doing a lot of individual parts I should be okay.

I've noticed a senses boost as well, only very slightly, similar to the attribute boost from that last step but it's definitely there.

I got hit by a rather unpleasant variation of the blasting hex by Helga yesterday as well, I think it's fair to say that the new step came with an increased connection to the core and as such a fair size power boost.

Due to the curse and the pain I wasn't up to doing much on the tower today so that got left. It's really the final bit before the outer stonework is finished.

August 18th

My arm just hurt too much to do any writing last week. I could probably enchant a quill to take notes based on my voice now but I think I was too tired for that as well.

All the limbs are done now and I've tried to break down other bits, the ears, eyes and nose have all been cemented same with the tail which was downright freaky. The most confusing bit once it started getting into limbs was definitely concentrating on bringing clothes back with me. I've ruined two pairs of trousers and now have another pair of shorts. The problem is all that's left is the head and the chest, I can't really break it down in to anymore small parts and I really should wait a week between changing those due to the size and complexity and increased pain involved. Helga did her head today, next week she's going for the full change.

My towers done as well so from now on I get to work indoors. Hopefully soon the whole thing will be water tight with the various windows and doors in place. I decided to work on the staircases first, it's helpful for Hector and Gerhalt when they're trying to do stuff and I can be fairly intricate with some of the carving. I've held back a bit wanting to get the exterior finished and waiting for future opportunities to do the delicate stuff. Frankly I want to channel my creative side for a bit.

August 25th

She did it! Apparently the change hurts like nobody's business but the change back hurts a lot less. She looks amazing. About eight and a half feet long and around three feet tall with legs like tree trunks and claws like the daggers she carries only about 4 inches long with a slight curve to them. She didn't really move too much because of the pain of the transformation but she's going to try again probably next week when the pain has died down.

Me on the other hand, my chest hurts, it's a struggle to breathe and my stomachs going crazy.

Weapons training and the forge time have been awful recently entirely because of transformation pain. I'd like to say I can see progress in my speed, strength and agility but I can't, it just hurts.

One thing I hadn't really thought about is in terms of the hunting I occasionally do in the two hour slot after dinner with Hector. I'm turning into an Apex predator, a proper one, improved senses and physical attributes, at least getting us meat will be easier.


	16. September 933AD

September 1st

My head is killing me. I feel incredibly sick, I've had to turn the lights incredibly low transfigure a cushion into earmuffs and casting various numbing charms on my face.

September 7th

It's tomorrow. I've been thinking about this since third year. I finally do it tomorrow. The whole week really has been building up to it, I've put a larger number of alphyns, stags and dogs in my carvings this week.

I had to refuse to duel with Helga this week; it seems the animal side has had an impact on her duelling instincts, while being fully in tune with her magical core has given her another power boost. I just wish we had access to more curses as it is we'll have finished the books we have soon. We'll end up developing a fighting or duelling style, without the curses and hexes to back it up.

September 8th

Done! I'll write later, too much pain.

September 11th

The pain has lessened now to the point where I don't need to hobble. It felt weird. The dominant feeling was one of pain. Immense pain. Under that was a feeling of power and strength and danger really. Being on all fours was bizarre, especially with my eye level four feet above the ground. I can't well until Sunday to try it again, this time the pain should have disappeared so I can actually enjoy the sensations.

September 15th

Well I was right about the power, strength and danger, I was surprised about the speed and quickness though and really surprised by the climbing ability, It seems cat claws with dragon armour and the determination of a wolf can do rather a lot.

Just playing with Helga's badger I could see how this would lead to some of the best nights of my godfather's life. The spirit of the animal sort of grabs you, I imagine for my dad it was protective, watching over the group, for Sirius it was wild and carefree, a break from the expectations of his family name. I don't even want to guess what it was to the traitor.

I'm back to doing internal walls and ceilings for the house, most of the support arches for the main house are going to be in treated and strengthened oak rather than stone and done mainly by Hector with Leola, Helga or me, speeding up the overall process.

The pipes for the water are being laid over the floor and I'm using one of the weirder stone spells to melt the stone below it let the pipe sink in and reform the stone around the now secured pipe, once the pipes have been insulated outside with treated wool to allow for any expansion or contraction.

With all these obscure Charms and the Transfiguration practice and with the power boost from the transformation I really feel like I'm getting not just in tune with my magical core but I'm staying to understand magic in general. At least that'll be something I don't think I'll ever be as powerful as Dumbledore or Voldemort but I might at least be approaching their skill level by the time I'm done.

September 20th

It turns out all this time me and Helga have been messing around as animals, Leola has been working on the Patronus grounding runes. Today she worked it out and showed me in our lesson. It's insanely complex. Ogham for the power behind the spell, Sino-Tibetan for the control, Greek for the intent and a combination of Nubian and Maori for the emotional aspect, all linked with Younger Futhark and Bantu. How she came up with it I'll never know.

There' a problem with it though in that we need to find something specific to be the grounding object. We need something that has been alive and has magical properties in order to power the rune set and establish the emotion aspect. But given the positive emotion aspect of the Patronus, the Basilisk bones just don't work. I guess we need to find something when we get around to going on that trip.

September 22nd

Spent a hell of a long time as an animal today. I think Helga's surprised by how much she enjoys it. One of the best things is the sheer amount of crossover I'm experiencing in terms of physical attributes. I'm increasingly fast, increasingly strong and increasingly agile. Also I noticed my skin seems tougher, blows in weapons training that would have cause severe bruising don't anymore. Must be a side effect of the dragon part. All in all it seems like I have the physical attributes you gain by being a werewolf without the obvious drawback. Plus the agility thing from the tiger and the toughness from the dragon.

All this means I'm finally getting close to Gerhalt and Hector with the staff. Hatchets I'm now on a par with or even better than Hector. Next week the two hours Hector spends teaching Herbology or Creatures he's taking Helga and I out in animal form to see how we hunt. It should be cool, we've only really played so far which feels like it's the feline part of the personality, it would be nice to explore the rest.

September 29th

The stonework's finished for the ground floor. It's really rather dark but the family has caught on to the idea of oil lamps in a big way so the internal corridors are full of the things, at least the actual rooms have huge windows.

As a sort of reward, plus because Helga, Hector and I really want to experiment we're taking a three week trip to explore our forms, as well as hunt and study magical creatures and plants so most of October will be a right off as far as the house is concerned but Leola has some ideas for the windows, internal fixtures and fittings and even fancies getting started on the furniture designs.


	17. October 933AD

October 20th

Just got back from the trip. Incredible. I think the wilderness is amazing anyway but exploring it as an alphyn took it to a whole new level and I know Helga felt the same, for me it was climbing the mountains for her exploring the forests, I felt sorry for Hector at times as he was left alone a lot. He actually allowed Helga to Transfigure him into a wolf once so he could see what it was like. It's not quite the same sensations as an animagus has but it gave him a fair idea. I think that was the best day.

Luckily we were back just in time for Leola's birthday tomorrow. This year I managed to combine some of my forge skills with the masonry and made an obsidian and jade brooch set in silver. I like it and I hope she will I would have enchanted it but to be honest I don't know what to add to it that Leola couldn't do better so in the end I just left it blank in that aspect.

October 27th

Leola seemed to like her brooch I felt a bit funny about it. I've never actually given anyone a gift life that. With Hermione it's books, Ron sweets, last year Leola's present was a spur of the moment thing but this time I actually thought about it. The Christmas presents were practical but this was like a proper present you give someone like a mum. It's quite a big thing, I know she said she thinks of me as a son but I'm starting to think of her as my mum. Part of me feels incredibly guilty for it but then there is a part that's desperate for it as well. Not that I would have admitted it before.

Charms is getting scary. We've moved passed household stuff and now Leola's studying expansion charms with me. Some of this stuff she had no clue over before my books. But the scary thing is I'm finding it easier, each of the wand movements make sense, the bit to establish control, the direction, the limit, the escalation factor, the speed and power, it all is beginning to make sense. Same for other Charms, all of them I'm not completely certain on the movements but the vague ideas are becoming increasingly accurate. It started with the Transfiguration movements but Charms make more sense, I think it's the more hands on aspect of Charms, they're more direct actions, causing a light rather than turning something into a candle. The more direct aspect appeals to me I think and it just makes more sense.

Finished Sanskrit and well into the Sino-Tibetan alphabet now. The asian ones are all rather unusual but I think I'm understanding it all. I've been using them to try and work out the Christmas presents for everyone anyway. By Christmas I'll have finished and then next year we'll be studying the four new languages together.

We managed to combine Transfiguration and defence trying to make them more interesting, conjuring shields to block curses, or trying to, and using all kinds of shield charms to block prank transfiguration spells, like bat ears or fur. It helps practice everything really, human transfiguration, casting accuracy, casting speed and spell reading, different spells require the different shield types so comprehending what's being thrown at you quickly is imperative. It's an excellent work out both physically and magically.

I didn't get a chance to look last week but Leola has been exceptionally busy with the house, apparently she, like Helga tried stone carving and shaping but ended up leaving it to me. The designs she has for furniture though and the kitchen and bathrooms are great. This week was all about getting the second floor basics done the ceiling is in now and everything's being supported magically, just waiting for Hector to do all the archways and cross beams, luckily with magic that it takes less than an hour for each arch to be securely fitted. We got the big downstairs fireplaces up and running in both the sitting room and the formal dining room that in conjunction with the climate control enchantments built into the walls and flooring make it a really lovely place to be.

October 31st

Halloween again. They didn't ask me what I wanted to do this year. Just left me alone. It actually was nowhere near as bad as last year, I think the fact that nothing happened last year took the edge off, I still don't really feel like celebrating though. Instead I got a fair proportion of the house down, just kept at it. Actually it means about two thirds of the third floor is done. I actually think we'll be all but done with the structural work over the next three weeks. In terms of stone work, finish the top floor, finish my tower, that's a week each then whatever wants doing in the attic's of the two. I think the ward stones are going in one attic probably the tower one, while the larger one will just be storage, or perhaps another bedroom if I get bored.


	18. November 933AD

November 10th

I beat Hector with the staff! Properly. He was full ongoing for it but I think the increased speed and power I'm trying to control eventually got to him. I can only get better now. Unfortunately Helga said she'll step in with the fighting 'now that I'm a challenge'. She had a similar boost and I am not fond of those daggers at all.

The house. The house is going rather well. The stonework for the third floor is done, I'm most of the way through putting flooring in for the tower, all that's left after that is the separate bathroom and the stone work is done. Hector has been doing a great job with the wood too. Three of the four suites on the fourth floor have wooden supports and the fourth should be done by Tuesday. Of course then the fun really begins with enchanting the pipes to use water from the local lake river and laying all of them in along with the necessary purification enchantments. After that there's the wooden flooring, the kitchen cabinets, the dining table, all the beds and chairs in wood and all the utilities, the baths, the sinks, toilets and showers, to be done in ceramics or stone. Hopefully I'll have finished the ceramic fittings by the turn of the year so we can concentrate on setting up the proper full wards we want while Hector finishes the woodwork. Fingers crossed we'll be in by March.

November 17th

Worked our arses off and the house is up and watertight and a full shell of a house now. Hector's cancelled any Herbology lessons though since he's decided we need furniture and comfortable furniture would be nice. He's going to deal with the wood frame of each of our chairs but if we bring leather, and the frame he knows someone who can make our chairs for us. That means I need to find Charms for dealing with animal hides and treating them to make good quality leather and we need a lot of it. Luckily we always keep the hides from the food we eat so I have plenty to practice on.

It'll actually do me good because I've been looking at trying to get some armour and if I can deal obtain it and treat it and enchant it myself it will save an awful lot of time and effort. I figured I'd be stumped if I was after Dragon hide but Graphorn hide is tougher and aside from there being fewer of them and the hides being smaller, easier to get hold of, from the Graphorn anyway.

I think the more casual attitude to killing is coming from my alphyn side. I won't say I'm not concerned about it, but I don't feel the need to kill or hunt for fun, I don't feel the need to torture anything, and although I am part contemplating killing something purely for its skin, really I'm hoping I just come across an opportunity I can take advantage of without resorting to violence. Maybe I am quite Slytherin.

November 24th

It's quite ridiculous how much of my week has been spent making toilets and making leather. I found some good spells for the leather thing and plan on practicing on the various hides of things we eat. We can always use more leather clothes. Enchanting it is pretty easy as well. Nothing fancy has been done to it but it's functional.

The ceramic fittings are going well and Gerhalt and I have managed to get the toilets and sinks fitted and connected to the pipes. We still have the baths and showers to do and to actually connect the water to make sure the whole thing works but it's looking good.

I'm finally able to brew to what Helga thinks should be NEWT standard as well. Next year we're going to go above and beyond NEWT stuff. I know I don't need it and I have other things to do but honestly I don't want to give up spending time with my sister. I called her that today. It kind of slipped out. We had a bit of a cry about it. I can't believe how much I've cried since I got here but then I do have years of emotional repression to make up for.


End file.
